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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Area Man Treats Girlfriend To Sumptuous 20-Second Massage

BETHEL PARK, PA—In an unexpected outpouring of generosity and affection, local man Adam MacMillan spent 20 seconds Tuesday evening treating Melanie Traynor, his girlfriend of three years, to a luxurious back and neck massage on the couple’s couch, sources have confirmed. According to reports, Traynor was almost certainly brought to a state of utmost relaxation as her boyfriend intimately kneaded her neck with a single hand as he sat watching television, his sensual motions decreasing in intensity with each passing second. In addition, sources confirmed that Traynor was both delighted and entirely satisfied during the six-second period when her boyfriend was rubbing her vertebrae while under the impression they were muscles. After concluding the lavish massage with a few half-assed chopping motions on his girlfriend’s shoulders, MacMillan reportedly then turned to Traynor and insisted, “Okay, my turn.”

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