Area Man Treats Girlfriend To Sumptuous 20-Second Massage

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Vol 49 Issue 30

Tall Women At Higher Risk For Cancer

According to a new study, tall postmenopausal women are more likely to develop cancer than shorter women, with researchers finding that every 4-inch increase in height correlated to a 13 percent higher risk of a variety of cancers.

Lincoln Memorial Vandalized With Green Paint

Police closed the Lincoln Memorial early today after discovering that vandals had splattered green paint along the base of the iconic statue of 16th president Abraham Lincoln, as well as on the monument’s marble floor.
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Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Area Man Treats Girlfriend To Sumptuous 20-Second Massage

BETHEL PARK, PA—In an unexpected outpouring of generosity and affection, local man Adam MacMillan spent 20 seconds Tuesday evening treating Melanie Traynor, his girlfriend of three years, to a luxurious back and neck massage on the couple’s couch, sources have confirmed. According to reports, Traynor was almost certainly brought to a state of utmost relaxation as her boyfriend intimately kneaded her neck with a single hand as he sat watching television, his sensual motions decreasing in intensity with each passing second. In addition, sources confirmed that Traynor was both delighted and entirely satisfied during the six-second period when her boyfriend was rubbing her vertebrae while under the impression they were muscles. After concluding the lavish massage with a few half-assed chopping motions on his girlfriend’s shoulders, MacMillan reportedly then turned to Traynor and insisted, “Okay, my turn.”

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