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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Area Man Unable To Believe The Savings

TEMPE, AZ—Tempe-area bus driver Ray O’Neill was rendered incredulous Sunday by a visit to his local Sav-A-Lot electronics and home-appliance outlet. “I can’t believe the savings,” O'Neill said. "A Panasonic five-disc-carousel CD player with remote for $77.92? A GE-Hotpoint 18.2-cubic-foot refrigerator for $439.92 plus free delivery? I’m sorry. That’s simply beyond the realm of comprehensible values." O’Neill said that, while he has believed in implausible phenomena in the past, from tarot cards to the psychic claims of Uri Geller, none were as difficult to believe as Sav-A-Lot's prices. "Geller never asked me to believe in the existence of a Panasonic VHS-C camcorder with color viewfinder and image stabilization for just $499.99," he said.

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