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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Area Man Unable To Believe The Savings

TEMPE, AZ—Tempe-area bus driver Ray O’Neill was rendered incredulous Sunday by a visit to his local Sav-A-Lot electronics and home-appliance outlet. “I can’t believe the savings,” O'Neill said. "A Panasonic five-disc-carousel CD player with remote for $77.92? A GE-Hotpoint 18.2-cubic-foot refrigerator for $439.92 plus free delivery? I’m sorry. That’s simply beyond the realm of comprehensible values." O’Neill said that, while he has believed in implausible phenomena in the past, from tarot cards to the psychic claims of Uri Geller, none were as difficult to believe as Sav-A-Lot's prices. "Geller never asked me to believe in the existence of a Panasonic VHS-C camcorder with color viewfinder and image stabilization for just $499.99," he said.

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