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Area Man Unable To Believe The Savings

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Area Man Unable To Believe The Savings

TEMPE, AZ—Tempe-area bus driver Ray O’Neill was rendered incredulous Sunday by a visit to his local Sav-A-Lot electronics and home-appliance outlet. “I can’t believe the savings,” O'Neill said. "A Panasonic five-disc-carousel CD player with remote for $77.92? A GE-Hotpoint 18.2-cubic-foot refrigerator for $439.92 plus free delivery? I’m sorry. That’s simply beyond the realm of comprehensible values." O’Neill said that, while he has believed in implausible phenomena in the past, from tarot cards to the psychic claims of Uri Geller, none were as difficult to believe as Sav-A-Lot's prices. "Geller never asked me to believe in the existence of a Panasonic VHS-C camcorder with color viewfinder and image stabilization for just $499.99," he said.

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