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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Area Man Unable To Believe The Savings

TEMPE, AZ—Tempe-area bus driver Ray O’Neill was rendered incredulous Sunday by a visit to his local Sav-A-Lot electronics and home-appliance outlet. “I can’t believe the savings,” O'Neill said. "A Panasonic five-disc-carousel CD player with remote for $77.92? A GE-Hotpoint 18.2-cubic-foot refrigerator for $439.92 plus free delivery? I’m sorry. That’s simply beyond the realm of comprehensible values." O’Neill said that, while he has believed in implausible phenomena in the past, from tarot cards to the psychic claims of Uri Geller, none were as difficult to believe as Sav-A-Lot's prices. "Geller never asked me to believe in the existence of a Panasonic VHS-C camcorder with color viewfinder and image stabilization for just $499.99," he said.

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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