Area Man Unafraid To Try New Snacks

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Vol 35 Issue 16

Area Film Buff Wondering What Pauline Kael Would Say About Cookie's Fortune

DAYTON, OH—Sources reported Monday that Keith Kuenn, a 34-year-old Dayton film buff, is wondering what former New Yorker movie critic Pauline Kael would say about Cookie's Fortune. "Considering what a big Altman fan Pauline Kael is, I'd say she would find Cookie's Fortune to be a worthy entry in the director's oeuvre, a film whose rich emotional tapestry and eye for Southern detail more than make up for what it lacks in narrative thrust," Kuenn said. "Then again, as evidenced by her infamous panning of Alain Resnais' Hiroshima, Mon Amour, Kael always relished playing the role of devil's advocate, so perhaps she would deliberately go against the grain on this one." Kael could not be reached for comment.

Eggs Good For You This Week

BOSTON—According to a Northeastern University study released Monday, eggs—discovered last week by a University of California-Santa Cruz study to be unhealthy, raising serum cholesterol by as much as 20 percent—have beneficial effects on cardiovascular health this week. "Contrary to what was previously thought, consuming an egg a day can lower a person's blood pressure and increase the heart's efficiency for the next week," the Northeastern study stated. The report urged Americans to increase egg consumption immediately, as eggs may be unhealthy again as soon as next Monday.

Greenspan Just Repeating Detractors' Criticisms In High-Pitched Girly Voice

WASHINGTON, DC—Fed up after years of criticism, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is now just parroting the words of detractors in a high-pitched girly voice, it was reported Monday. "Oooh, in light of the GNP's 5 percent growth in FY 1998-9, Mr. Greenspan should be keeping a much closer eye on the prime rate," Greenspan said Monday, responding to a recent Barron's editorial arguing that, in light of the GNP's 5 percent growth in FY 1998-9, the 73-year-old Fed chief should be keeping a much closer eye on the prime rate.

So-Called 'Giant' Mouse Actually Baby Kangaroo

TACOMA, WA—An article in the latest issue of the journal Nature revealed that the fabled "Giant Mouse Of Tacoma" is actually a baby kangaroo. "An infant kangaroo, which likely either escaped from a wooden crate or was delivered by a comically intoxicated stork, infiltrated the local ecosystem, causing great embarrassment to area cats and their deeply traumatized, bag-wearing sons," the report stated. "In any event, no mouse of any size can balance on its tail while vigorously kicking an adult cat with its feet." A similar report suggested that the love interest of much-feared Parisian "Polecat de Pew" may actually be an ordinary housecat accidentally painted with a white stripe.

A Satisfactory Denouement

Last week, I described how, upon losing my stolen fortune in an ambush, I was kidnapped by the villainous Black Scarlet, who spirited me off to an abandoned granary to await the dispatchment of a great deal of ransom-money. I asked Black Scarlet if he would set me free upon receipt of the money. "Set you free? Never!" he exclaimed with a bitter laugh. "You shall for-ever remain my captive and be as free as those you have kept in shackles for so long!" Curse the cheeky scoundrel! I have never once kept any-one in shackles, excepting a few of my servants and the wife.

I Got A Birthday Coming Up!

Hola amigos. How does it hang? I know it's been a long time since I last rapped at ya, but I've been buried under a whole heap of shit. First off, I accidentally dropped my lighter down the drain of my sink a few weeks ago. As a result, I've been forced to light my weed off my electric stove, which is a major hassle. Plus, the lighter's been keeping a whole bunch of food and crap from going down the drain, so now my sink's all clogged. I tried to get the damn thing out with a coat hanger, but I can't quite get it.

Talking Tax Reform

Tax season was recently upon us once again, and with it came widespread calls for reform, including simpler forms and a more streamlined filing process. What do you think about making tax-filing less complicated?

I'm Totally Psyched About This Abortion!

I know, I know, I've heard all the arguments: Abortion stops a beating heart. It's a child, not a choice. Every life is precious. Well, I don't care what the pro-lifers say... I am totally psyched for this abortion!
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Area Man Unafraid To Try New Snacks

HUNTSVILLE, AL—Barry Hodge, a 37-year-old Huntsville resident and assistant shoe-store manager, has no fear of trying new or unfamiliar snack-food items, it was reported Monday.

Fearless muncher Barry Hodge in his kitchen.

"I don't know what it is about me, but I've never been afraid to try new things," Hodge said. "Remember when they put the crisped rice in the middle of M&Ms last year? I wasn't scared. Or when they added that cookie layer to Reese's Peanut Butter Cups? Even though I had no idea what it would be like, I dove right in without thinking twice. I just try to keep an open mind about new experiences."

Hodge has long cultivated his reputation for fearlessness, willing to try anything described on its packaging as new, zestier, crunchier or bolder.

"A lot of people I know don't seize the moment, and I think that's kind of sad," said Hodge, eating a Fluffernutter sandwich. "When I heard there was a new pizza-flavored Pringles, I didn't back down in fear of the unknown. Instead, I went for it, hopping in my car and racing to the Piggly Wiggly to pick up a can. Same thing when I heard about those new chocolate-covered Pretzel Flipz."

"Even when I make a mistake," Hodge continued, "I never regret it, because at least I know I tried to expand my horizons. Like that new Oreo breakfast cereal: I wound up not liking it all that much, but I won't spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, wondering what it would've been like to try it."

Hodge has been known to push the snacking envelope in other ways, as well. Recently, he began experimenting with dipping chips into such non-traditional chip-dipping substances as Duncan Hines cake frosting, Smuckers strawberry jam, and the frozen residue left by a can of A&W cream soda that exploded in his freezer.

"I tried scraping the frozen cream soda with some Tostitos, but it really didn't work," Hodge said. "The Tostitos did go surprisingly well with the frosting, though. That sweet-salty combination is great."

Though Hodge is best known for his adventurousness and bravado in the face of untested snack foods, he said he also enjoys returning to old favorites. "I've always loved Bugles, and I eat those a lot when I feel like having something friendly and familiar," Hodge said. "I'm the same way with Funyuns."

"Still, most of the time, I find myself seeking out something new to try," Hodge added. "I guess I'm just a restless soul."

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