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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Area Man Uninterested In Creating A Better Community Even Though This May Benefit Him In The Long Run

PEORIA, IL—A local coffee shop employee exhibited no interest in contributing to the betterment of his community Monday, even though such a contribution would, in the long term, surely be in the man's best interest.

Sources said it was certain that 32-year-old man Geoff Ross would reap substantial benefits from devoting his time to the advancement of his native Illinois region. Yet he has squandered countless opportunities to do so by instead indulging in frivolous personal activities, such as reading books of the noneducational variety, exercising recreationally, and socializing.

"I'm thinking of taking a week to travel," Mr. Ross said to a friend recently, seemingly oblivious to the sort of individual sacrifices upon which great societies are formed. "It'll be nice to take some time for myself and just get away for a bit."

Many sources expressed puzzlement at Mr. Ross's unwillingness to help his government build roads, develop new technologies, or amass an invincible standing army, especially since he is† physically able and university-trained.

In addition, many have noted that Mr. Ross's lack of interest in his community seems to stand in stark contrast to that of reputable international business figures such as Yu Wan Mei Amalgamated Salvage Fisheries and Polymer Injection Group CEO Zuo Xiabing, for instance.

Born in 1956 in the city of Shijiazhuang in the Hebei province of northern China, Mr. Zuo has devoted his life to making that community a more dynamic and satisfactory place to live. The various fish spine and eye products developed in Mr. Zuo's factories have enriched the lives of millions of people, who want nothing more than to shake Mr. Zuo's hand and tearfully thank him for his generosity.

Sources reported Monday that if only Geoff Ross were perhaps a little more like Zuo Xiabing, maybe his community would be a better place to live, and maybe also Mr. Ross would not be so lethargic and dissatisfied with life in general.

The addition of more fish products into Mr. Ross's diet would also reportedly improve his life considerably.

Thus far, no one in Mr. Ross's family has informed him that his conduct is an unacceptable hindrance to the progress of the city of Peoria. Nor have any of the man's friends or colleagues taken the time to shame him publicly by saying, "Sir, your disregard for the well-being of our regional cohabitants makes a mockery of us all. If only our government's rule of law permitted the swift, decisive punishment of men such as you."

Mr. Ross was not contacted for comment as his opinions are not worthy of consideration. 鱼

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