Area Man Uninterested In Creating A Better Community Even Though This May Benefit Him In The Long Run

Top Headlines

Area Man

New Belgium

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

Area Man's Knee Making Weird Sound

Listen

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Noting that it began happening just a few days ago, local 31-year-old Anthony Forster told reporters Monday that his left knee has been making a really strange sound lately.

Area Man Proud He Can Still Fit Into Car From High School

NAPA, CA—Wiggling from side to side as he forcibly wedged his torso into the driver's seat of a 1992 Ford Festiva, local man Michael Kerson told reporters Friday he couldn't help but take a little pride in the fact that he could still fit into his c...

Area Man Could Eat

PITTSBURGH—Local man Ronald White confirmed this afternoon that while he wasn't necessarily hungry, he could eat.

Area Man Already Tired Of Prison

SHERIDAN, OR—"Honestly, what am I supposed to do now?" First-time inmate Martin Hayes asked. "Sit-Ups? Did some already. And I finished the book I brought with me."

Is Area Man Going To Finish Those Fries?

WICHITA FALLS, TX—Hey, man, is area resident Craig Goodwin all done with those fries? No? Okay, that's cool, but if the 26-year-old website designer were, fellow Wichita Falls resident and Denny's patron Josh Borman would be happy to help finish them off. That's cool, though, if Goodwin, a regular at the I-80 and Telegraph Road Denny's, is still working on them. Yeah, Borman finished his $4.99 Grand Slam breakfast already, but he can just sit there and read his placemat, it's no biggie.

Area Man Doesn't Look Jewish

ATLANTA—According to surprised neighbors, area resident Adam Brown doesn't look Jewish. "It's weird," said Kathleen Purdie, who recently learned of Brown's Semitic roots. "I had no idea he was Jewish. He just sort of looks regular, with the light brown hair and light skin and all. Actually, I thought he was Irish or maybe even Scandinavian." Added Purdie: "Is Brown a Jewish name?"

Area Man Settled For

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—After nearly 20 years of unsuccessfully attempting to court and marry an interesting, attractive man, 41-year-old Sandra Browner of Fayetteville settled Monday for insipid, pie-faced screen-door-factory worker Willard Kurtz. "He's a real sweet guy," Browner said of her new fiancé, who is insisting on a sports-themed wedding reception to be held in March at the Fayetteville-area Hooters owned by his cousin Ed. "And he's got very nice hands." The couple will live with Kurtz's aunt until things start taking off at the factory.

Area Man Busts His Ass All Day, And For What?

DE KALB, IL—It was learned Monday that Ted Moseley, a 34-year-old De Kalb-area construction worker, hauls ass 10, 12 hours a day for his sonofabitch boss, and for what? The report, to be published in full in next Thursday's New York Times, will tell you what: so his skank old lady can spend his hard-earned $6.75 an hour on a $450 vacuum cleaner, and to pay for the neighbor's mailbox that his snot-nosed kid busted. Why Moseley puts up with this shit could not be adequately explained by the report.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Sleep

Fantasy Sports

Area Man

New Belgium

Area Man Uninterested In Creating A Better Community Even Though This May Benefit Him In The Long Run

PEORIA, IL—A local coffee shop employee exhibited no interest in contributing to the betterment of his community Monday, even though such a contribution would, in the long term, surely be in the man's best interest.

Sources said it was certain that 32-year-old man Geoff Ross would reap substantial benefits from devoting his time to the advancement of his native Illinois region. Yet he has squandered countless opportunities to do so by instead indulging in frivolous personal activities, such as reading books of the noneducational variety, exercising recreationally, and socializing.

"I'm thinking of taking a week to travel," Mr. Ross said to a friend recently, seemingly oblivious to the sort of individual sacrifices upon which great societies are formed. "It'll be nice to take some time for myself and just get away for a bit."

Many sources expressed puzzlement at Mr. Ross's unwillingness to help his government build roads, develop new technologies, or amass an invincible standing army, especially since he is† physically able and university-trained.

In addition, many have noted that Mr. Ross's lack of interest in his community seems to stand in stark contrast to that of reputable international business figures such as Yu Wan Mei Amalgamated Salvage Fisheries and Polymer Injection Group CEO Zuo Xiabing, for instance.

Born in 1956 in the city of Shijiazhuang in the Hebei province of northern China, Mr. Zuo has devoted his life to making that community a more dynamic and satisfactory place to live. The various fish spine and eye products developed in Mr. Zuo's factories have enriched the lives of millions of people, who want nothing more than to shake Mr. Zuo's hand and tearfully thank him for his generosity.

Sources reported Monday that if only Geoff Ross were perhaps a little more like Zuo Xiabing, maybe his community would be a better place to live, and maybe also Mr. Ross would not be so lethargic and dissatisfied with life in general.

The addition of more fish products into Mr. Ross's diet would also reportedly improve his life considerably.

Thus far, no one in Mr. Ross's family has informed him that his conduct is an unacceptable hindrance to the progress of the city of Peoria. Nor have any of the man's friends or colleagues taken the time to shame him publicly by saying, "Sir, your disregard for the well-being of our regional cohabitants makes a mockery of us all. If only our government's rule of law permitted the swift, decisive punishment of men such as you."

Mr. Ross was not contacted for comment as his opinions are not worthy of consideration. 鱼

Area Man Video