adBlockCheck

Area Man Uninterested In Creating A Better Community Even Though This May Benefit Him In The Long Run

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Television

Good Eating

Area Man Uninterested In Creating A Better Community Even Though This May Benefit Him In The Long Run

PEORIA, IL—A local coffee shop employee exhibited no interest in contributing to the betterment of his community Monday, even though such a contribution would, in the long term, surely be in the man's best interest.

Sources said it was certain that 32-year-old man Geoff Ross would reap substantial benefits from devoting his time to the advancement of his native Illinois region. Yet he has squandered countless opportunities to do so by instead indulging in frivolous personal activities, such as reading books of the noneducational variety, exercising recreationally, and socializing.

"I'm thinking of taking a week to travel," Mr. Ross said to a friend recently, seemingly oblivious to the sort of individual sacrifices upon which great societies are formed. "It'll be nice to take some time for myself and just get away for a bit."

Many sources expressed puzzlement at Mr. Ross's unwillingness to help his government build roads, develop new technologies, or amass an invincible standing army, especially since he is† physically able and university-trained.

In addition, many have noted that Mr. Ross's lack of interest in his community seems to stand in stark contrast to that of reputable international business figures such as Yu Wan Mei Amalgamated Salvage Fisheries and Polymer Injection Group CEO Zuo Xiabing, for instance.

Born in 1956 in the city of Shijiazhuang in the Hebei province of northern China, Mr. Zuo has devoted his life to making that community a more dynamic and satisfactory place to live. The various fish spine and eye products developed in Mr. Zuo's factories have enriched the lives of millions of people, who want nothing more than to shake Mr. Zuo's hand and tearfully thank him for his generosity.

Sources reported Monday that if only Geoff Ross were perhaps a little more like Zuo Xiabing, maybe his community would be a better place to live, and maybe also Mr. Ross would not be so lethargic and dissatisfied with life in general.

The addition of more fish products into Mr. Ross's diet would also reportedly improve his life considerably.

Thus far, no one in Mr. Ross's family has informed him that his conduct is an unacceptable hindrance to the progress of the city of Peoria. Nor have any of the man's friends or colleagues taken the time to shame him publicly by saying, "Sir, your disregard for the well-being of our regional cohabitants makes a mockery of us all. If only our government's rule of law permitted the swift, decisive punishment of men such as you."

Mr. Ross was not contacted for comment as his opinions are not worthy of consideration. 鱼

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close