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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Area Man Uninterested In Creating A Better Community Even Though This May Benefit Him In The Long Run

PEORIA, IL—A local coffee shop employee exhibited no interest in contributing to the betterment of his community Monday, even though such a contribution would, in the long term, surely be in the man's best interest.

Sources said it was certain that 32-year-old man Geoff Ross would reap substantial benefits from devoting his time to the advancement of his native Illinois region. Yet he has squandered countless opportunities to do so by instead indulging in frivolous personal activities, such as reading books of the noneducational variety, exercising recreationally, and socializing.

"I'm thinking of taking a week to travel," Mr. Ross said to a friend recently, seemingly oblivious to the sort of individual sacrifices upon which great societies are formed. "It'll be nice to take some time for myself and just get away for a bit."

Many sources expressed puzzlement at Mr. Ross's unwillingness to help his government build roads, develop new technologies, or amass an invincible standing army, especially since he is† physically able and university-trained.

In addition, many have noted that Mr. Ross's lack of interest in his community seems to stand in stark contrast to that of reputable international business figures such as Yu Wan Mei Amalgamated Salvage Fisheries and Polymer Injection Group CEO Zuo Xiabing, for instance.

Born in 1956 in the city of Shijiazhuang in the Hebei province of northern China, Mr. Zuo has devoted his life to making that community a more dynamic and satisfactory place to live. The various fish spine and eye products developed in Mr. Zuo's factories have enriched the lives of millions of people, who want nothing more than to shake Mr. Zuo's hand and tearfully thank him for his generosity.

Sources reported Monday that if only Geoff Ross were perhaps a little more like Zuo Xiabing, maybe his community would be a better place to live, and maybe also Mr. Ross would not be so lethargic and dissatisfied with life in general.

The addition of more fish products into Mr. Ross's diet would also reportedly improve his life considerably.

Thus far, no one in Mr. Ross's family has informed him that his conduct is an unacceptable hindrance to the progress of the city of Peoria. Nor have any of the man's friends or colleagues taken the time to shame him publicly by saying, "Sir, your disregard for the well-being of our regional cohabitants makes a mockery of us all. If only our government's rule of law permitted the swift, decisive punishment of men such as you."

Mr. Ross was not contacted for comment as his opinions are not worthy of consideration. 鱼

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