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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Area Man Unsure If He’s Supposed To Want Hugo Chavez To Die Or Not

ROCKVILLE, MD—After noticing several news stories about the failing health of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, local man Spencer Gutowski, 45, struggled Monday to figure out if the death of Chavez was something he was supposed to be pleased about or not. “He’s bad, right? I mean, I’m pretty sure he’s one of the bad ones, but maybe he’s good?” Gutowski told reporters, adding that he believes Chavez is a Communist, which, according to Gutowski, means he should probably want Chavez dead, although he is not entirely certain. “Fidel Castro is bad and I want him to die, and I think Chavez is sort of like him, maybe. I also think I’m not supposed to like Venezuela. But then again [President] Bush didn’t like Venezuela, and I didn’t like Bush, so...” Sources later confirmed that Gutowksi asked if something at some point happened between the Venezuelan leader and actor Sean Penn in which Penn either ended up liking or not liking Chavez.

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