adBlockCheck

Area Man Unsure What To Do With All The Extra Ketchup Packets

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Area Man Unsure What To Do With All The Extra Ketchup Packets

ERIE, PA–After finishing his Big Bacon Classic Combo, area resident and Wendy's patron Don Turnbee, 38, expressed uncertainty Monday regarding what to do with all the extra ketchup packets.

Turnbee during a September 2000 visit to Wendy's.

"I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with all these," said Turnbee, gesturing toward the pile of seven to ten ketchup packets on his tray. "I guess I could give them back to the guy at the counter, but I don't know if he'd take them. They'd probably be considered used."

Added Turnbee: "I touched them, but they're not opened or anything."

Turnbee said he requested the extra packets upon placing his order, which included a ketchup-necessitating Biggie Fries. The cashier, Ricky Nunez, 41, responded by reaching below the counter and tossing a large fistful of packets onto Turnbee's tray.

"I knew it was too many ketchups, because I usually only need three or four for my Biggie Fries," Turnbee said. "But I just took them anyway."

Compounding his sense of guilt is the fact that the condiment bar at the Buffalo Road Wendy's features a ketchup pump, eliminating the need for packets altogether.

"I didn't see the pump thing, so I just asked for ketchup with my order," Turnbee said. "Pretty much all the fast-food places have the pumps; the packets are usually just for drive-thru and to-go orders."

Turnbee said he is leaning toward bringing the packets home with him. He noted, however, that he would have little use for them.

"I could bring them home, but there's already a ton of them there," said Turnbee, who has an estimated 350 packets of Heinz, Hunt's, and generic "fancy"-grade ketchup in his kitchen pantry. "Somehow, wherever I go, I always wind up with lots of extra ketchup packets."

Over the past year, Turnbee has made numerous attempts to avail himself of the excess ketchup, including making it available to colleagues at his place of work.

"I once tried to put them in the breakroom so people eating lunch could help themselves," Turnbee said. "But a couple weeks later, I noticed hardly any had been taken. When I asked people why they weren't taking any, they said they didn't need ketchup or had ketchups from their own fast-food meals."

As for returning the kitchen-pantry packets to their various restaurants of origin, Turnbee demurred. "I was going to do it, but I thought it would look weird handing a big box of ketchups to a manager," Turnbee said. "Maybe I could leave them at someplace's drive-up after they close. But then they'd just throw them away."

A drawer in Turnbee's refrigerator overflows with excess restaurant condiments.

"I wish someone would take these off my hands," Turnbee continued. "A few fell out of my glove compartment onto the floor of my car the other day, and [Turnbee's son] Devin stepped on them and mushed them into the carpet."

The situation was exacerbated last Thursday, when Turnbee purchased an 18-ounce bottle of Heinz ketchup while grocery shopping. Having temporarily forgotten that he possessed a three-year-plus supply of the condiment in the form of single-serving packets, Turnbee invoked the wrath of his wife Shelly.

"I said to him not two days ago, 'Don, don't you dare bring home any more ketchup, because it's practically coming out of our ears,'" Shelly Turnbee said. "So what does he do? He buys more ketchup! He said the bottle in the fridge was almost empty. Well, of course it was almost empty: There was no need to replace it, since we had half a million ketchup packets overflowing our pantry. And we couldn't return the new bottle, either, because he'd already opened it."

Though the ketchup collection shows no signs of diminishing, Turnbee said he feels simply discarding the packets would be wasteful.

"I guess I'll just have to bring ketchups with me whenever I go to a fast-food place," Turnbee said. "And I'll need to make sure the employees don't sneak any into my bag. I just hope I can remember to do that; otherwise, I'll wind up with even more."

In addition to ketchup packets, the Turnbee pantry is crammed with hundreds of other restaurant condiments. Among them are single-serving packets of Taco Bell "Mild" sauce, Arby's Horsey sauce, soy sauce from the Wok 'N' Roll at Millcreek Mall, McDonald's Chicken McNuggets hot-mustard sauce, pats of Shedd's Spread Country Crock from Ponderosa Steakhouse, and a selection of Smuckers jellies and jams from several Erie-area diners.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close