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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Area Man Unsure Whether He's On Right Bus For Most Of Trip

BARABOO, WI–Chicago resident Joe Mendenhall, nearly four hours into a seven-hour bus trip he hopes is to Minneapolis, is experiencing serious misgivings about whether he is, in fact, on the right bus. "I'm not recognizing any of the town names from the last time I made this trip," Mendenhall said. "And I don't remember the ground being quite this hilly." Mendenhall said he has considered asking the bus driver if he is on the right bus, but he's sure he'll figure it out for himself any time now.

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