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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Area Man Unsure Whether He's On Right Bus For Most Of Trip

BARABOO, WI–Chicago resident Joe Mendenhall, nearly four hours into a seven-hour bus trip he hopes is to Minneapolis, is experiencing serious misgivings about whether he is, in fact, on the right bus. "I'm not recognizing any of the town names from the last time I made this trip," Mendenhall said. "And I don't remember the ground being quite this hilly." Mendenhall said he has considered asking the bus driver if he is on the right bus, but he's sure he'll figure it out for himself any time now.

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