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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Area Man Unsustainable, Experts Warn

Countless years of unchecked growth have noticeably taken a toll on Mahoney.
Countless years of unchecked growth have noticeably taken a toll on Mahoney.

WASHINGTON—Unless immediate measures are taken, the delicate balance of local claims adjuster Doug Mahoney, 39, could soon collapse, an international panel of leading conservationists warned Monday.

"Decades of irresponsible consumption, as well as the plundering of vital emotional resources have reduced this once-thriving human being to almost nothing," said Phillip Bowman, coauthor of the report and a professor of ecology at Stanford University. "It's frightening, but at the rate that he's going, Mr. Mahoney may be completely depleted by the year 2012."

Added Bowman, "There's barely anything left of him as it is."

According to the report, over the past 30 years a series of external pressures—including the monotony of work, dysfunctional personal relationships, and the frustrations of daily life—have wreaked havoc on the fragile Washington resident. A number of man-made disturbances, such as Mahoney's divorce and the death of his father, Jim, also contributed to the rapid physical and mental deterioration of the formerly pristine man, the report found.

"The very future of Doug Mahoney is in jeopardy," said preservationist Barbara Schean, adding that Mahoney has eroded at an alarming rate since the realization that he is almost 40 set in last May. "By our calculations, his most nutrient-rich layers will be washed away by the end of the decade, leaving little more than a desiccated, middle-aged wasteland."

Throughout his life, experts say, Mahoney has been repeatedly exploited and cut down by those in search of personal gain, most notably asshole bosses, manipulative friends, and several ex-girlfriends. Still, the rampant abuse of the 39-year-old continues, with recent findings indicating that it may not be long until Mahoney is wiped off the face of the earth.

"He's being sucked completely dry," said ecologist Charles Stephenson, who claimed that Mahoney's degradation was exacerbated by such factors as being passed over for a promotion twice, and only finding comfort in his three nightly glasses of Jack Daniels. "Large businesses alone have utterly ravaged Doug, burning through the nonrenewable employee as they please."

Most harmful of all, experts say, might have been the disruption caused by the introduction of a destructive species: a roommate Mahoney was forced to take on after losing his savings in the stock market earlier this year.

"Even in the most controlled conditions, the introduction of a predatory entity into an ecosystem is very destabilizing," Stephenson said. "In this case, a parasitic tenant was imported into the environment after nothing more than an awkward 10-minute interview in Mahoney's living room."

Despite the grim news, the report outlined a number of recommendations to preserve what little remains of Mahoney, including a gym membership, antidepressants, and maybe getting a fresh start in another city. But the experts warned that even if all these measures were implemented right away, the odds of completely halting the devastation were slim.

"Unfortunately, Doug Mahoney does not have the recuperative power of, say, certain lichens that bounce back from reindeer overgrazing," Robillard explained. "So if you've always thought about visiting him, I'd do it right away."

"And take pictures," Robillard added. "He'll be unrecognizable in a couple of years."

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