adBlockCheck

Area Man Up For Anything Except Being The One Who Makes The Decision

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Area Man Up For Anything Except Being The One Who Makes The Decision

LOS ANGELES—Assuring his buddies during their first round of drinks that this would be “a night for the history books,” local man Jeff Kirkwood boldly declared that he was up for absolutely anything except making a definite decision, bar sources reported Friday. “Guys, tonight’s going to be epic, and I’m totally game for anything that doesn’t require me personally to propose and commit fully to an idea of how to spend the remainder of our night,” Kirkwood said, finishing off his first beer and ordering another while affirming that he was “just getting started.” “Skinny-dipping? Midnight trip to Vegas? Hell, if you wanted to go bungee jumping right now, I’d be with you all the way given the fact that everyone else already reached that consensus and were sufficiently enthusiastic that I wouldn’t make the final call. So, let’s see where the night takes us!” At press time, Kirkwood was raising his glass to toast the spontaneity of the evening and offering to buy another round for the table if everyone else thought that was a good idea and would definitely partake.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close