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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Area Man Uses 'Big Buck Hunter' Score To Determine Ability To Drive Home

FAIRFIELD, IN—After spending five hours at Dunn's Irish Pub on Wednesday night, Michael Sampson, 31, was overheard citing his Big Buck Hunter score as proof of his sobriety, and thus his ability to safely operate a motor vehicle. "I shot the hell out of every one of those deer in the background, I didn't kill any does, plus I got bonus points at the end for gettin' those duck bastards," Sampson told bar patrons, staggering as he put down the game's gun-shaped neon-orange controller. "All right, let's go." Sampson then finished his beer, paid his tab, and severely injured all three passengers when he swerved off the road and slammed into a 10-point buck at 65 mph.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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