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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Area Man Uses 'Big Buck Hunter' Score To Determine Ability To Drive Home

FAIRFIELD, IN—After spending five hours at Dunn's Irish Pub on Wednesday night, Michael Sampson, 31, was overheard citing his Big Buck Hunter score as proof of his sobriety, and thus his ability to safely operate a motor vehicle. "I shot the hell out of every one of those deer in the background, I didn't kill any does, plus I got bonus points at the end for gettin' those duck bastards," Sampson told bar patrons, staggering as he put down the game's gun-shaped neon-orange controller. "All right, let's go." Sampson then finished his beer, paid his tab, and severely injured all three passengers when he swerved off the road and slammed into a 10-point buck at 65 mph.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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