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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Area Man Wants Something Made Of Titanium

PENDLETON, OR–Anthony Schilling is hoping to acquire something made of titanium, the 43-year-old claims adjuster reported Monday. "I can't afford a new titanium bike, but maybe I could get a pen or a watch," Schilling said of his lust for the low-density, corrosion-resistant alloy. "Or maybe I could get a pair of super-strong titanium binoculars. Whatever I wind up getting, though, it'll be really lightweight and last forever."

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