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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Area Man Willing To Give Up Any Of Muslims’ Rights Necessary To Feel Safe

PITTSBURGH—Explaining how defending the population is the government’s ultimate responsibility, area man Greg Farnsworth told reporters Thursday he is willing to give up any of Muslims’ rights necessary to feel safe. “The bottom line is that we are putting innocent lives at risk if we don’t give the government more power to protect us, and if that means giving up a few constitutionally protected freedoms of Muslims in the process, so be it,” said Farnsworth, who added that, while he didn’t necessarily like the idea of the NSA monitoring phone calls or emails, he believed it was vital to accept a few violations of privacy rights among those of the Islamic faith to ensure the nation remained secure. “If last week’s attacks taught us anything, it’s that al-Qaeda is still determined to kill as many people as they can. So if we have to add more security measures at airports for Muslims or track people online who are critical of the U.S. government, provided they are Muslim, in order to keep us safe, I’m willing to make that sacrifice.” Farnsworth added that, if you really considered the lives and well-being of your family, limiting a few rights for Muslims here and there isn’t a bad trade-off at all.

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