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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Area Man Won't Do Anything Without Express Written Consent Of NFL

PITTSBURGH—Joel Mikita, a Steelers fan and extremely loyal follower of professional football, seeks out the NFL's explicit permission before engaging in any sort of activity or conversation he thinks they may not approve of, the commissioner's office of the National Football League reported Wednesday. "When we first received a letter from Mr. Mikita in January 1995 requesting permission to record the AFC Championship game because he had to work that Sunday, we thought it was a considerate gesture and of course granted him approval," said NFL Standards And Practices chairman Mark Helowitz. "But since then, it's gotten a little out of hand. We have a team of lawyers working around the clock inventing forms and drawing up new regulations for him, informing him if it's okay to tell his buddy the final score of last night's game, or if he's allowed to say bad things about the Eagles coaching staff, or if he can tape a game with his TiVo, and if so, whether or not we care if he fast-forwards through the commercials." Helowitz added that amidst all the requests, there was one "really sweet one" seven years ago in which Mikita asked for written permission to ask his longtime girlfriend Michelle to marry him.

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