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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Area Man Worried Health Care Debate Might Be Getting Political

COLUMBUS, OH—Local man Henry Allen, 56, expressed concern Tuesday that the debate over how United States citizens receive health care may in fact be becoming a political issue, sources confirmed. “Is it just me, or does it seem like the overall health and well-being of everyday Americans is in danger of somehow being used as fodder for elected officials to score political points against their rivals?” Allen told reporters, adding that he’d hate to think that lawmakers from both parties would distort the facts of a literal life-and-death issue solely to gain seats in Congress, if in fact that is what’s happening. “I mean, supposing that is the case, and health care is becoming politicized in some way, how does that really help someone who doesn’t have access to quality health care actually get health care? I guess it really doesn’t.” Allen stated that, in the end, he believes elected officials know how great their responsibility is to the American people, and that they would ultimately of course never let something as petty as party politics get in the way of that.

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