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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Area Man Would Put That Meeting In His Top 5 All Time

RICHMOND, VA—Trent Wilson, an executive brand strategist for the R&W Agency, characterized his company's staff-wide meeting Monday as "easily in [his] top five all time." "The agenda was followed to a T, all personal anecdotes were discussed before the meeting's 8:30 [a.m.] start, and [Ed] Kofsky was in a good mood," said the 32-year-old Wilson, adding that if there had been enough low-fat cream cheese, the meeting would have easily made it into his top three. "To see colleagues from so many departments being brought up to speed on so many different corporate initiatives and exciting new accounts-—it was really something special." According to Wilson, the highlight of the meeting was the agency president's unusually concise 20-minute opening remarks, some of which she did not read directly from her PowerPoint slides.

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