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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Area Man Would Put That Meeting In His Top 5 All Time

RICHMOND, VA—Trent Wilson, an executive brand strategist for the R&W Agency, characterized his company's staff-wide meeting Monday as "easily in [his] top five all time." "The agenda was followed to a T, all personal anecdotes were discussed before the meeting's 8:30 [a.m.] start, and [Ed] Kofsky was in a good mood," said the 32-year-old Wilson, adding that if there had been enough low-fat cream cheese, the meeting would have easily made it into his top three. "To see colleagues from so many departments being brought up to speed on so many different corporate initiatives and exciting new accounts-—it was really something special." According to Wilson, the highlight of the meeting was the agency president's unusually concise 20-minute opening remarks, some of which she did not read directly from her PowerPoint slides.

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