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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Area Man Would Put That Meeting In His Top 5 All Time

RICHMOND, VA—Trent Wilson, an executive brand strategist for the R&W Agency, characterized his company's staff-wide meeting Monday as "easily in [his] top five all time." "The agenda was followed to a T, all personal anecdotes were discussed before the meeting's 8:30 [a.m.] start, and [Ed] Kofsky was in a good mood," said the 32-year-old Wilson, adding that if there had been enough low-fat cream cheese, the meeting would have easily made it into his top three. "To see colleagues from so many departments being brought up to speed on so many different corporate initiatives and exciting new accounts-—it was really something special." According to Wilson, the highlight of the meeting was the agency president's unusually concise 20-minute opening remarks, some of which she did not read directly from her PowerPoint slides.

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