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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Area Man’s Back Aching After Bad Night’s Sleep, 58 Continuous Years Of Horrible Posture

SHELBYVILLE, KY—Having noticed him wincing and letting out low groans each time he stood up, sources confirmed that local man Joel Braley’s back was really bothering him Friday following a poor night’s sleep and 58 continuous years of terrible posture. “Oh man, my back’s killing me,” said the man who was tossing and turning all night and spent most of the preceding six decades hunched forward over a desk, computer keyboard, or, more recently, his phone. “I guess I slept on it funny [and never throughout my life figured out how to stand upright without slouching or leaning against a stationary object]. Christ, I really did a number on it last night [and every previous day for almost 60 years]. Oww.” Sources later confirmed that Braley was going to try to alleviate his back pain by lying down on his couch and keeping stationary for the rest of the evening as well as most of the remaining 16 years of his life.

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