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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Area Man's Bathroom A Monument To Ongoing War Against His Own Disgusting Body

BURLINGTON, VT—The gels, ointments, and mechanical grooming devices strewn across 28-year-old Micah Russell's bathroom stood in mute testimony Wednesday to the seemingly endless battle of attrition the local man has waged against his own repulsive physique since entering adulthood. "Looks like I'm almost out of Lotrimin," Russell said as he leaned over his facial-hair-speckled sink to retrieve a tube of daily-use eczema cream from his medicine cabinet. "Oh, man, a new zit." Earlier this week, Russell was forced to open yet another revolting front in the war with his body by adding Cottonelle lotion-infused personal wipes to his grotesque arsenal of toilet papers.

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