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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Area Man's Bathroom A Monument To Ongoing War Against His Own Disgusting Body

BURLINGTON, VT—The gels, ointments, and mechanical grooming devices strewn across 28-year-old Micah Russell's bathroom stood in mute testimony Wednesday to the seemingly endless battle of attrition the local man has waged against his own repulsive physique since entering adulthood. "Looks like I'm almost out of Lotrimin," Russell said as he leaned over his facial-hair-speckled sink to retrieve a tube of daily-use eczema cream from his medicine cabinet. "Oh, man, a new zit." Earlier this week, Russell was forced to open yet another revolting front in the war with his body by adding Cottonelle lotion-infused personal wipes to his grotesque arsenal of toilet papers.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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