Area Man's Biggest Accomplishment Not Ever Killing Anyone With His Car

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Vol 47 Issue 09

MLB Quietly Euthanizes 120 Unnecessary Players

NEW YORK—In what it called a basic housecleaning move, Major League Baseball euthanized 120 players Wednesday, including Tyler Colvin, Nolan Reimold, and 118 others deemed inconsequential or redundant.

Sources Say Atlanta Thrashers 27-28-11

ATLANTA—Sources from within the Atlanta Thrashers organization indicated Thursday that the team currently ranks 11th in the Eastern Conference standings with a record of 27-28-11.

Dead Teenager Remembered For Great Hand Jobs

GOLDSBORO, NC—Friends, classmates, and loved ones gathered last night at a memorial service in the Westside High School gymnasium to celebrate the life of 17-year-old Brooke Belzer, who, before she died tragically in a car accident last week, was beloved for her bright personality and for giving easily the best hand jobs in the school.

Which Obama do want in office?

Following the discovery that the real President Obama was kidnapped and replaced by a weak-willed impostor, many citizens are saying they would rather keep the fake Obama in office since the nation is already used to him.
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Area Man's Biggest Accomplishment Not Ever Killing Anyone With His Car

HAMPSTEAD, NH—In his 36 years of life, Gary Widmer's greatest contribution to humanity has been not causing any fatalities while behind the wheel, sources close to the Hampstead man confirmed Thursday. "Overall, I've got a lot to be proud of: I worked my way through college, I'm a good friend, I have a solid job," said Widmer, whose most enduring† deed thus far is never having sent a pedestrian rolling over his hood or slamming his car into a bus full of schoolchildren. "And I try to give back to the community, too." Widmer is currently awaiting trial for the deaths of three teenagers in a boating accident.

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