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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Area Man's Biggest Accomplishment Not Ever Killing Anyone With His Car

HAMPSTEAD, NH—In his 36 years of life, Gary Widmer's greatest contribution to humanity has been not causing any fatalities while behind the wheel, sources close to the Hampstead man confirmed Thursday. "Overall, I've got a lot to be proud of: I worked my way through college, I'm a good friend, I have a solid job," said Widmer, whose most enduring† deed thus far is never having sent a pedestrian rolling over his hood or slamming his car into a bus full of schoolchildren. "And I try to give back to the community, too." Widmer is currently awaiting trial for the deaths of three teenagers in a boating accident.

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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

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