Area Man’s Emotional State Completely Dependent On Outcome Of Professional Sporting Event


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Vol 50 Issue 11

Cheddar Cheese Prices Skyrocket Due To Chinese Demand

The Dairy Export Council reported this week that the cost of cheddar cheese climbed 18 percent this year to its highest price ever because domestic manufacturers have been unable to meet the demand for cheese by Chinese purchasers.

Lowly Mortal Opens Portal To Hell

John Kerry poses as a masseuse to get a few minutes with Putin, parents reminisce to their children about the dating algorithm that brought them together, and a lowly mortal opens a portal to hell.

Surge Answered With Rally

SAN DIEGO—With a succession of quick baskets during the NCAA Tournament Friday, sources confirmed that a surge was quickly answered by a rally.

Sleep Loss Can Cause Brain Damage

A study published this week in the journal Neuroscience found that inconsistent sleep patterns, including not sleeping enough and sleeping erratic hours, can result in an irreversible loss of brain neurons.
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Area Man’s Emotional State Completely Dependent On Outcome Of Professional Sporting Event


DAYTON, OH—Noting that he does not possess a financial or otherwise tangible investment in the competitions, sources confirmed Thursday that local man David Milburn’s emotional state is completely dependent on the outcome of professional sporting events. “When they win I am happy, but when they lose I am sad,” said the man whose entire outlook on a given day will be determined solely by how a group of people he does not know perform in a recreational game that afternoon. “Occasionally my team makes me furious and my whole week is ruined. On the other hand, sometimes they also make me feel really proud. I can feel a lot of things; it just depends on the game.” Household sources added that Milburn, the best and worst days of whose life correlate to the dates of past games that are ultimately meaningless, also appears to believe that actively encouraging or admonishing teams from his living room has some bearing on their likelihood of success.

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