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Area Man’s Emotional State Completely Dependent On Outcome Of Professional Sporting Event


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WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

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Area Man’s Emotional State Completely Dependent On Outcome Of Professional Sporting Event


DAYTON, OH—Noting that he does not possess a financial or otherwise tangible investment in the competitions, sources confirmed Thursday that local man David Milburn’s emotional state is completely dependent on the outcome of professional sporting events. “When they win I am happy, but when they lose I am sad,” said the man whose entire outlook on a given day will be determined solely by how a group of people he does not know perform in a recreational game that afternoon. “Occasionally my team makes me furious and my whole week is ruined. On the other hand, sometimes they also make me feel really proud. I can feel a lot of things; it just depends on the game.” Household sources added that Milburn, the best and worst days of whose life correlate to the dates of past games that are ultimately meaningless, also appears to believe that actively encouraging or admonishing teams from his living room has some bearing on their likelihood of success.

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