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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Area Man’s Emotional State Completely Dependent On Outcome Of Professional Sporting Event


DAYTON, OH—Noting that he does not possess a financial or otherwise tangible investment in the competitions, sources confirmed Thursday that local man David Milburn’s emotional state is completely dependent on the outcome of professional sporting events. “When they win I am happy, but when they lose I am sad,” said the man whose entire outlook on a given day will be determined solely by how a group of people he does not know perform in a recreational game that afternoon. “Occasionally my team makes me furious and my whole week is ruined. On the other hand, sometimes they also make me feel really proud. I can feel a lot of things; it just depends on the game.” Household sources added that Milburn, the best and worst days of whose life correlate to the dates of past games that are ultimately meaningless, also appears to believe that actively encouraging or admonishing teams from his living room has some bearing on their likelihood of success.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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