Area Man's Ex-Girlfriend Glad She Bumped Into Him

In This Section

Vol 33 Issue 03

Pepsi Super Bowl Ad Raises Worldwide Pepsi-Awareness .00000000001 Percent

SOMERS, NY—A 60-second, $2.6 million ad that aired during Sunday’s Super Bowl telecast has raised awareness of Pepsi .00000000001 percent, Pepsi officials said Monday. Specifically, the ad raised Pepsi-awareness in Xiao Bu—a 71-year-old Pyongyang, China, peasant and one of five known humans not familiar with Pepsi—who learned of the existence of the soft drink while watching the Super Bowl. “This $2.6 million was money well spent. With it, Pepsi has finally surpassed 99.9999999999 percent global saturation and cracked the hard-to-reach Xiao Bu market,” Pepsico’s Ken Doyle said. “We now look forward to introducing Pepsi to Mala N’dougou of Gabon and babies who were born in comas.” In response to the Pepsi ad, chief rival Coca-Cola announced Tuesday it will launch its own $11 million ad blitz targeting Xiao.

1994 Video-Store Receipt Reveals Clinton Rented Night Eyes 2, 3

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton is strongly denying special prosecutor Kenneth Starr’s claim that he has a receipt proving that on July 11, 1994, Clinton rented Night Eyes 2 and Night Eyes 3, two mature-audiences-only erotic thrillers starring former Playboy Playmate Of The Year Shannon Tweed. According to Starr, the receipt, unearthed during a year-long Justice Department probe of D.C.-area video stores, “clearly proves that the president not only rented these two films, but, even more damning, did so on the same night. That is over three hours of steamy adult fare enjoyed in one single viewing by the president.” In the wake of the findings, Starr is ordering the store where the films were rented to hand over all receipt records dating back to 1992 to discern whether Clinton may have also rented Night Eyes, the first installment in the series, starring Tanya Roberts. Starr also ordered the Justice Department to hand over recently surfaced White House cable-tap recordings that are purported to contain over 40 hours of Spice Channel pay-per-view. Tweed has refused to comment on the crisis.

Oh, Area Man’s Aching Back

JERSEY CITY, NJ—According to a report issued Wednesday by 51-year-old Jersey City resident Phil Lardner, Jesus Christ Almighty, his back feels like a goddamn elephant stepped on it. Fuck, the report stated, Lardner should never have tried to move that dishwasher by himself. The report went on to note that Lardner may require medical attention if he can ever make it to the freaking phone, and that if he doesn’t collect some workman’s comp for this one, forget about it.

A New Year, A New Jean

This is soooo exciting—my first column of 1998! Actually, I'm kind of dreading 1998, because it's the year I finally turn the big 4-0! Can you believe it? (I sure can't!)
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Area Man's Ex-Girlfriend Glad She Bumped Into Him

ST. PAUL, MN—In a chance meeting at a St. Paul grocery store Monday, area resident Erica DeGrath, 23, announced to ex-boyfriend Kevin Hollander, 24, that she was glad to have bumped into him.

A photo of Kevin Hollander and Erica DeGrath in happier times, during an August 1997 trip to San Francisco.

According to witnesses, DeGrath—who on Jan. 1 abruptly announced she was breaking up with Hollander after nearly three years of dating and two years of cohabitation—spoke with Hollander for several minutes in the canned-vegetables aisle of the Pic-N-Sav supermarket. In closing the conversation, witnesses said, her exact words were, "I'm glad I bumped into you, Kevin. It was really good to see you again."

Hollander responded by telling DeGrath he was glad to have bumped into her, as well. Several hours later, however, Hollander openly questioned the sincerity of his ex-girlfriend's closing remark.

"Was she really glad that she bumped into me?" Hollander said. "It's better than the 'I don't love you anymore, and I'm never coming back' I got a month ago, but I don't know if she meant it. But what if she did? Maybe she wants to get back together."

Alex Murphy, a co-worker of DeGrath's at a downtown St. Paul Barnes & Noble, said that, in all likelihood, DeGrath was not actually glad to bump into her ex-boyfriend.

"A few weeks ago, Kevin came by the bookstore and asked for Erica," Murphy said. "When I told her that Kevin was in the store looking for her, she hid in the back and told me to tell him she was out to lunch."

Other sources close to DeGrath agree that she was not actually glad to bump into Hollander, pointing out that ever since the breakup, she has adopted a strict policy of Hollander-avoidance.

"Erica told me that if Kevin calls, I'm supposed to tell him that she's not home," said Andrea Epps, DeGrath's new roommate and longtime friend. "And if she's home alone, she always lets the answering machine get it. I kind of get the feeling she doesn't want to talk to him."

Cheryl Reiner, DeGrath's best friend, agreed. "She just totally doesn't want to deal," she said.

Whether or not DeGrath was actually glad to bump into Hollander, the remark was clearly effective in terminating the unexpected encounter.

"After Erica said she was glad to bump into me, that was about it for our conversation. It was sort of like, 'See ya,'" Hollander said. "I was thinking about asking her if I could walk her to her new place and see how our cat Felix was doing, but after I got the 'Glad I bumped into you' line, I figured that would have just sounded stupid."

Hollander went on to relate how strange it was not to be awaken by a hungry Felix scratching at his bedroom door the morning after DeGrath moved out.

DeGrath, who did not give Hollander any specific reasons for moving out, is described by friends as cheerful and well-adjusted since the break-up.

"She's doing great," Reiner said. "She's dating a lot, her job is going really well, and she's lost like five pounds since she dumped Kevin. I'm really happy for her."

Close acquaintances of Hollander were unable to comment on his current state, as they have not spoken with him in weeks.

"That guy has been a total recluse," said Steve Woczynski, who has been friends with Hollander since high school. "He never returns anyone's phone calls anymore. A few weeks ago, I was driving, and I saw him crossing a street, just wandering around. He looked like shit."

"I really thought we were going to get married," said Hollander, who last showered Jan. 10. "But I guess it was nice to see her at Pic-N-Sav, if only for a few minutes."

After sitting silently for several moments, Hollander excused himself and walked to his bedroom, closing the door behind him.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More