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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Area Man's Free Time Monopolized By Friend With No Other Friends

PHILADELPHIA–A disproportionate amount of area resident Chris Blakely's free time is monopolized by Spencer Reuss, whose only friend is Blakely.

Blakely (left) exits a movie with the single-friended Reuss close behind.

"I like Spencer and everything, but our friendship is way skewed," Blakely said Monday. "I have about 20 friends, so, statistically speaking, I should only be hanging with Spencer, like, 5 percent of the time. But I see him way more than that–more than I see anybody else–because I have to carry the entirety of his friendship load."

The problem began in November 2000, when Reuss, who attended high school with Blakely in New Castle, PA, moved to Philadelphia for a job with a graphic-design firm. Upon arriving in Philadelphia, Reuss knew no one except his old high-school acquaintance.

"In the beginning, I knew he was pretty lonely, so I tried hard to make him feel welcome, telling him he should feel free to stop by any time," Blakely said. "Big mistake: Four months later, he's still feeling free to stop by any time."

Because Blakely's apartment is just a few blocks from Reuss' place of employment, Reuss often drops in unannounced.

"He can see my car parked out on the street, so there's no way I can just pretend I'm not home," Blakely said. "I've tried telling him I need some time alone, but that always leads to 10 phone calls where he asks me if I'm okay. One time, he even sent me a card."

Blakely has tried to introduce Reuss to his other friends, with less than favorable results.

"I figured, maybe if he hit it off with some of my other friends, I could pass him off to them," Blakely said. "Well, one night, after hanging out at a bar with six or seven of them, Spencer informed me that he doesn't like my friends because they're 'too mainstream' for his tastes. Yet, he'll still want to tag along any time I make plans with them. And he always finds a way to corner me into a conversation about the things he wants to talk about, like his kite-building or his obsession with WWI. So, even when I'm with others, I'm still only with him."

Compounding the difficulties of the social babysitting are Reuss' depressive tendencies.

"Spencer really gets lonely and down on himself," Blakely said. "It makes just ditching him that much harder."

On any given night, whether spending time at a bar, concert, or movie, Blakely is 650 percent more likely to be socializing with Reuss than with any of his other friends. Blakely is 95 percent assured of spending time with Reuss during holidays.

"Take this past New Year's Eve," Blakely said. "As much as I wanted to, I just couldn't leave the guy sitting in his apartment alone, so I was like, 'Hey, why don't you come along with me to my buddy Jonathan's party?' But then Spencer surprises me with these expensive tickets for a KC & The Sunshine Band New Year's show. So, instead of going to Jonathan's party, I end up spending New Year's with Spencer, KC, and the goddamn Sunshine Band."

Though it is still three weeks away, Blakely is already dreading Reuss' upcoming birthday.

"I'm going to have to spend about $100 on drinks just to bribe my friends to show up at the bar," Blakely said. "If I have to sit there alone, with Spencer across from me wearing one of those stupid 'It's My Birthday!' pins, I'm going to slit my wrists."

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