Area Man’s Intelligence Probably Just Too Intimidating For Most Women

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

Area Man Self-Conscious About All The Wrong Things

MANASSAS, VA—Noting that he’s frequently anxious and embarrassed by his most minor personality quirks and modest physical imperfections, sources confirmed Thursday that local sales associate Walter Markowitz is self-conscious about the complet...

Area Man Loses All Control Of Face While Thinking

BELLEVILLE, MO—Scientists observing the behavior of local man David Berham told reporters on Monday that the 34-year-old, remarkably, is completely unable to control his facial muscles whenever he has to process information of any kind.

Area Man's Knee Making Weird Sound


COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Noting that it began happening just a few days ago, local 31-year-old Anthony Forster told reporters Monday that his left knee has been making a really strange sound lately.

Area Man Proud He Can Still Fit Into Car From High School

NAPA, CA—Wiggling from side to side as he forcibly wedged his torso into the driver's seat of a 1992 Ford Festiva, local man Michael Kerson told reporters Friday he couldn't help but take a little pride in the fact that he could still fit into his c...

Area Man Could Eat

PITTSBURGH—Local man Ronald White confirmed this afternoon that while he wasn't necessarily hungry, he could eat.

Area Man Already Tired Of Prison

SHERIDAN, OR—"Honestly, what am I supposed to do now?" First-time inmate Martin Hayes asked. "Sit-Ups? Did some already. And I finished the book I brought with me."

Is Area Man Going To Finish Those Fries?

WICHITA FALLS, TX—Hey, man, is area resident Craig Goodwin all done with those fries? No? Okay, that's cool, but if the 26-year-old website designer were, fellow Wichita Falls resident and Denny's patron Josh Borman would be happy to help finish them off. That's cool, though, if Goodwin, a regular at the I-80 and Telegraph Road Denny's, is still working on them. Yeah, Borman finished his $4.99 Grand Slam breakfast already, but he can just sit there and read his placemat, it's no biggie.

Area Man Doesn't Look Jewish

ATLANTA—According to surprised neighbors, area resident Adam Brown doesn't look Jewish. "It's weird," said Kathleen Purdie, who recently learned of Brown's Semitic roots. "I had no idea he was Jewish. He just sort of looks regular, with the light brown hair and light skin and all. Actually, I thought he was Irish or maybe even Scandinavian." Added Purdie: "Is Brown a Jewish name?"

Area Man Settled For

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—After nearly 20 years of unsuccessfully attempting to court and marry an interesting, attractive man, 41-year-old Sandra Browner of Fayetteville settled Monday for insipid, pie-faced screen-door-factory worker Willard Kurtz. "He's a real sweet guy," Browner said of her new fiancé, who is insisting on a sports-themed wedding reception to be held in March at the Fayetteville-area Hooters owned by his cousin Ed. "And he's got very nice hands." The couple will live with Kurtz's aunt until things start taking off at the factory.

Area Man Busts His Ass All Day, And For What?

DE KALB, IL—It was learned Monday that Ted Moseley, a 34-year-old De Kalb-area construction worker, hauls ass 10, 12 hours a day for his sonofabitch boss, and for what? The report, to be published in full in next Thursday's New York Times, will tell you what: so his skank old lady can spend his hard-earned $6.75 an hour on a $450 vacuum cleaner, and to pay for the neighbor's mailbox that his snot-nosed kid busted. Why Moseley puts up with this shit could not be adequately explained by the report.
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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.


Area Man

New Belgium

Area Man’s Intelligence Probably Just Too Intimidating For Most Women

Walker says that most women are apparently just too awed and terrified by his intellect to even go on a second date with him.
Walker says that most women are apparently just too awed and terrified by his intellect to even go on a second date with him.

MILWAUKEE—Describing his mind as both “a blessing and a curse,” local man Benjamin Walker, 27, told reporters Thursday that his intellect was probably just too intimidating for most women to engage with romantically.

“I’m a very, very smart guy, and I guess most women are pretty scared off by that, you know?” said Walker, confirming that women often seem extremely uncomfortable and agitated around him, most likely because of how cultured and well-read he is. “After I’ve been speaking to a girl for just a few minutes, she’ll usually start to get this look in her eyes like she wants to bolt and I can just tell that she’s feeling so intellectually inferior that it’s impossible for her to continue with the conversation.”

“Which is understandable,” Walker added. “I am able to speak confidently and at length about a wide range of subjects, so it’s probably hard for most women to follow along.”

According to the Milwaukee resident, whenever he is talking to a young woman and begins to expound at length on one of the many topics he is well versed in—such as Malcolm Gladwell’s book Outliers or the British graffiti artist Banksy—she begins to appear highly overwhelmed by his mental capacity and quickly grows visibly restless and distant.

Walker, who acknowledged that his imposing cleverness and quick wit likely caused women to feel insecure about not being as smart as he is, confirmed that females frequently displayed an averse reaction to his impressive mind by noticeably “checking out” of the conversation or attempting, no doubt in fear and awe, to exit the discussion as quickly as possible.

The 27-year-old, who graduated from Syracuse University in 2007, told reporters that he subscribes to The New Yorker magazine and keeps up with the news on a daily basis—all facts that Walker said seem to persistently leave the opposite sex speechless when he inserts them into conversation.

“I should really be more careful, I suppose, because I can see that my intelligence can be a major hindrance to meeting women, most of whom are probably looking for a guy with a more ordinary or slowed-down intellect—you know, someone more on their level,” said Walker. “Sometimes, after talking to a girl at a party, for instance, I will try to approach her again and she’ll purposefully avoid eye contact with me, just so she doesn’t have to deal with the embarrassment of contending with my staggering mental faculties.”

“It’s tough, because I really try my best to relieve their anxiety and say, ‘Hey, look, don’t sweat it, I’m used to people not being able to keep up with my mind,’” added Walker. “But that never seems to help. They’re too petrified by that point.”

Admitting that his remarkable mind can make him appear unapproachable, Walker told reporters that he has even taken to downplaying his formidable intellect during first dates in order to put women at ease, employing tactics such as talking slower or briefly pausing to allow his conversational partners time to process the information that he imparts at a breakneck pace.

Ultimately, however, Walker said there was only so much he could do to lower his cognitive standards to another’s level.

“Recently, for example, I talked to this girl at a bar for half an hour about Radiohead—quoting lyrics and telling her about how the band went in a new musical direction with [their 2000 album] Kid A—you know, really making it easy for her to understand,” Walker said. “Things were going great, and I was saying a lot of very interesting stuff, but when I tried to call her a few days later, she never picked up or returned my calls.”

“And it’s like, look, I’m a sophisticated guy, I like sophisticated music,” Walker added. “If you can’t get that, then there’s nothing I can do for you.”

Walker confessed that at the past few parties he has attended, his profound sagacity pushed women toward less intellectually arresting men.

“Unfortunately I sometimes puzzle women with my lofty comments and thought-provoking remarks, and that drives them right into the arms of complete dopes because that’s less scary for them,” said Walker. “You know, the kind of guys who can barely string together 10 words before resorting to asking a girl about her hobbies or what she does for a living. It’s like, what’s the point? Is that even a conversation?”

“And this is why I’ve never really been in a long-term relationship before, because the girls I’m with tend to get frustrated with their inability to think on my level,” the 27-year-old continued. “In the end, I think the problem is that they want to be with me because of my exceptional wit, but they eventually realize that I’m just too deep.”

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