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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Area Man's Knee Making Weird Sound

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COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Noting that it began happening just a few days ago, local 31-year-old Anthony Forster told reporters Monday that his left knee has been making a really strange sound lately. “It’s like a little clicking noise—can you hear it?” said Forster, as he repeatedly flexed his knee back and forth in an effort to demonstrate the unusual sound. “You have to get really close and listen for it. It usually happens when I bend my knee all the way back and—there, did you hear that? It was doing it worse before, but you can still hear it.” At press time, sources confirmed a small blood clot just above Forster’s knee had broken loose and was traveling through his bloodstream to his brain, where it is expected to cause a massive stroke, killing him instantly.

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