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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Area Man's Knee Making Weird Sound

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COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Noting that it began happening just a few days ago, local 31-year-old Anthony Forster told reporters Monday that his left knee has been making a really strange sound lately. “It’s like a little clicking noise—can you hear it?” said Forster, as he repeatedly flexed his knee back and forth in an effort to demonstrate the unusual sound. “You have to get really close and listen for it. It usually happens when I bend my knee all the way back and—there, did you hear that? It was doing it worse before, but you can still hear it.” At press time, sources confirmed a small blood clot just above Forster’s knee had broken loose and was traveling through his bloodstream to his brain, where it is expected to cause a massive stroke, killing him instantly.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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