adBlockCheck

Area Man's Life Slipping Away Even As He Reads This

Top Headlines

Recent News

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Area Man's Life Slipping Away Even As He Reads This

GLENDALE, CA—The life of Greg Chelecki continues to slip away from him even as he reads this article, sources close to the 47-year-old insurance claims adjuster confirmed Monday.

Greg Chelecki of Glendale, CA, patiently waits out his final 29 years.

Though the range of opportunities available to Chelecki is constantly dwindling, there is reportedly nothing he can do to prevent his existence from slowly marching toward its inevitable conclusion.

"I just thought I'd sit down a couple minutes and see what's in the paper," Chelecki said. "Might as well."

Chelecki's life, which he describes as "okay," is that of an average U.S. suburbanite, populated by a typical assortment of friends and loved ones. Like those of many men his age, the life has featured a few small triumphs, several notable tragedies, a 14-year stretch in a mid-level management position, home ownership, and a sturdy but unspectacular marriage.

Despite its uninspired nature, the life is the only one Chelecki possesses. It is unknown as of press time whether this makes his situation any more or less poignant.

"Greg's life is pretty much the same as that of a lot of guys I know," said Chelecki's neighbor, Howard Lehmann. "He just keeps on keeping on, know what I mean? At least he's enjoying reading that newspaper right now instead of slogging through that big pile of paperwork he's got to get through by the end of the week."

This morning, Chelecki's life continued to pass him by as he showered, ate rye toast, commuted to work in his leased Saturn coupe, and maintained an acceptable level of forced politeness while interacting with his supervisor. The passage of his life did not stop, or even slow, during any of these events.

"I like relaxing after work with the paper. It calms me down a bit. You have to take time for yourself every now and then," said Chelecki, whose remarks brought himself six seconds closer to the end of his existence.

Experts say Chelecki, while aware of the inexorable passage of time, does not comprehend the magnitude of what is happening to him.

"Many people don't truly allow themselves to consider the finite nature of their lives until the end is right in front of them," said Brown University sociologist Geoffrey Gausmann. "Only by distracting themselves with such things as Whopper sandwiches, dirty jokes at the office water cooler, unsatisfying drunken sex with fellow bar-goers, The Drew Carey Show, and newspapers such as the one Chelecki is currently reading can they bear the subconscious knowledge that time is always running out."

Observers say the meaninglessness of Chelecki's life could be somewhat mitigated if he were to engage in more worthwhile pursuits, such as playing tennis, taking a gourmet-cooking class with his wife, or having children. However, analysis of the estimated 430 rich, full lives known to recorded history indicates that even such positive, proactive steps as these would fail to cease, or even slow, Chelecki's second-to-second erosion.

Projections indicate that the steady ebbing of Chelecki's life will most likely end sometime in 2028, when it will finally be halted by his death, a condition which will, in turn, endure until the end of time itself.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close