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Area Man's Life Slipping Away Even As He Reads This

GLENDALE, CA—The life of Greg Chelecki continues to slip away from him even as he reads this article, sources close to the 47-year-old insurance claims adjuster confirmed Monday.

Greg Chelecki of Glendale, CA, patiently waits out his final 29 years.

Though the range of opportunities available to Chelecki is constantly dwindling, there is reportedly nothing he can do to prevent his existence from slowly marching toward its inevitable conclusion.

"I just thought I'd sit down a couple minutes and see what's in the paper," Chelecki said. "Might as well."

Chelecki's life, which he describes as "okay," is that of an average U.S. suburbanite, populated by a typical assortment of friends and loved ones. Like those of many men his age, the life has featured a few small triumphs, several notable tragedies, a 14-year stretch in a mid-level management position, home ownership, and a sturdy but unspectacular marriage.

Despite its uninspired nature, the life is the only one Chelecki possesses. It is unknown as of press time whether this makes his situation any more or less poignant.

"Greg's life is pretty much the same as that of a lot of guys I know," said Chelecki's neighbor, Howard Lehmann. "He just keeps on keeping on, know what I mean? At least he's enjoying reading that newspaper right now instead of slogging through that big pile of paperwork he's got to get through by the end of the week."

This morning, Chelecki's life continued to pass him by as he showered, ate rye toast, commuted to work in his leased Saturn coupe, and maintained an acceptable level of forced politeness while interacting with his supervisor. The passage of his life did not stop, or even slow, during any of these events.

"I like relaxing after work with the paper. It calms me down a bit. You have to take time for yourself every now and then," said Chelecki, whose remarks brought himself six seconds closer to the end of his existence.

Experts say Chelecki, while aware of the inexorable passage of time, does not comprehend the magnitude of what is happening to him.

"Many people don't truly allow themselves to consider the finite nature of their lives until the end is right in front of them," said Brown University sociologist Geoffrey Gausmann. "Only by distracting themselves with such things as Whopper sandwiches, dirty jokes at the office water cooler, unsatisfying drunken sex with fellow bar-goers, The Drew Carey Show, and newspapers such as the one Chelecki is currently reading can they bear the subconscious knowledge that time is always running out."

Observers say the meaninglessness of Chelecki's life could be somewhat mitigated if he were to engage in more worthwhile pursuits, such as playing tennis, taking a gourmet-cooking class with his wife, or having children. However, analysis of the estimated 430 rich, full lives known to recorded history indicates that even such positive, proactive steps as these would fail to cease, or even slow, Chelecki's second-to-second erosion.

Projections indicate that the steady ebbing of Chelecki's life will most likely end sometime in 2028, when it will finally be halted by his death, a condition which will, in turn, endure until the end of time itself.

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