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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Area Man’s Opinion Hasn’t Been Taken Seriously By Anyone In Over A Decade

KNOXVILLE, TN—Sources close to marketing director Paul Himes confirmed Tuesday that no one has taken any of the 44-year-old’s opinions seriously for over 10 years, explaining that his viewpoints have no influence whatsoever on others and that they are disregarded the instant they are expressed. “Any opinion that comes out of Paul’s mouth, no matter how passionately held it may be, is immediately derided, talked over, or ignored, and not a single thought of his has factored seriously into any sort of decision or discussion that I can remember,” said Himes’ supervisor, Susan Grady, who confirmed that although Himes’s family, friends, and coworkers occasionally nod their heads, say “yeah, Paul,” and feign interest by making eye contact when he speaks, not a single one of them has earnestly considered his views since 2002. “Sure, I pretend to pay attention whenever he talks to me, but honestly I think everyone has learned to tune him out at this point.” Himes was not asked to comment.

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