adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man's Recommended Daily Caloric Intake Exceeded By 9 A.M.

MEMPHIS, TN–At 8:56 a.m. Monday, Len Blake consumed his 2,401st calorie of the day, surpassing his recommended daily caloric intake of 2,400 a full 14 hours before bedtime. "At 8:20 a.m., Len had a Meat Lover's Skillet at the Waffle House, providing him with an estimated 2,150 calories," dietitian Dr. Dan Yary said. "Thirty minutes later, en route to work, he picked up an 800-calorie Cinnabon roll, three bites into which he passed the 2,400 mark." Blake also ate one of the recommended five daily servings of vegetables in the form of onions in his hash browns.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close