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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Area Man's Recommended Daily Caloric Intake Exceeded By 9 A.M.

MEMPHIS, TN–At 8:56 a.m. Monday, Len Blake consumed his 2,401st calorie of the day, surpassing his recommended daily caloric intake of 2,400 a full 14 hours before bedtime. "At 8:20 a.m., Len had a Meat Lover's Skillet at the Waffle House, providing him with an estimated 2,150 calories," dietitian Dr. Dan Yary said. "Thirty minutes later, en route to work, he picked up an 800-calorie Cinnabon roll, three bites into which he passed the 2,400 mark." Blake also ate one of the recommended five daily servings of vegetables in the form of onions in his hash browns.

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