Area Mom Adds Ankle Weights To Already Bizarre Workout Routine

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The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

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Exercise Briefly Considered

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Area Mom Adds Ankle Weights To Already Bizarre Workout Routine

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Area mother Janet Cosgrove, 59, has apparently added ankle weights to her already weird fitness regimen, 30-year-old son Reggie incredulously reported Monday. "She's got the plastic suit, the ski-pole things, and the last time I was over there she was on one of those rope-and-pulley ones you strap to the doorknob," Reggie said. "I'm guessing the ankle weights have something to do with that weird flailing march exercise she does? Or maybe they're for her 'cool down.'" Reggie added that at least Mom no longer uses the ThighMaster she ordered from television in 1991, but that part of her unintelligible diet still consists of a cup and a half of fresh ground walnuts every morning at 6 a.m.