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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Area Mom Adds Ankle Weights To Already Bizarre Workout Routine

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Area mother Janet Cosgrove, 59, has apparently added ankle weights to her already weird fitness regimen, 30-year-old son Reggie incredulously reported Monday. "She's got the plastic suit, the ski-pole things, and the last time I was over there she was on one of those rope-and-pulley ones you strap to the doorknob," Reggie said. "I'm guessing the ankle weights have something to do with that weird flailing march exercise she does? Or maybe they're for her 'cool down.'" Reggie added that at least Mom no longer uses the ThighMaster she ordered from television in 1991, but that part of her unintelligible diet still consists of a cup and a half of fresh ground walnuts every morning at 6 a.m.

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