adBlockCheck

Sports

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Mom Can't Believe She Has To Drive All The Way Out To Rockland For Son's Little League Game

PLAINSBORO, NJ—Local mother Ruth Conway, 38, reportedly expressed frustration Monday after realizing that her son's next Little League baseball game would be played an hour and a half away in Rockland County. "The game starts at seven, so we'll have to leave pretty much the second I get home from work tomorrow," said Conway, adding that she couldn't imagine getting back anytime before 11 p.m., "especially if the game goes as long as it usually does." "Why can't they just play down the road at Grover [Middle School]? There's a perfectly good baseball field, and it's only five minutes from the house." At press time, Conway, kitchen sources confirmed, had just grabbed the team phone list from the refrigerator and was calling other parents to ask if they could give her son a ride.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close