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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Area Mom Can't Believe She Has To Drive All The Way Out To Rockland For Son's Little League Game

PLAINSBORO, NJ—Local mother Ruth Conway, 38, reportedly expressed frustration Monday after realizing that her son's next Little League baseball game would be played an hour and a half away in Rockland County. "The game starts at seven, so we'll have to leave pretty much the second I get home from work tomorrow," said Conway, adding that she couldn't imagine getting back anytime before 11 p.m., "especially if the game goes as long as it usually does." "Why can't they just play down the road at Grover [Middle School]? There's a perfectly good baseball field, and it's only five minutes from the house." At press time, Conway, kitchen sources confirmed, had just grabbed the team phone list from the refrigerator and was calling other parents to ask if they could give her son a ride.

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