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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Area Mom Convinced 30-Year-Old Daughter Would Be Married By Now If She Just Brushed Her Hair More

LAYTON, UT—Certain it was all that was holding her back from finding the man of her dreams, area mom Janet Kessler told reporters Thursday that she was convinced her 30-year-old daughter Meredith would be married by now if she just brushed her hair more. “You know, if you just took a few extra minutes in the morning to run a comb through your hair, I’m absolutely certain you’d have a husband by now,” said Kessler, adding that if Meredith didn’t take care of the frizz, the closest she’d ever get to a wedding would be as someone else’s bridesmaid. “I’m not saying that you have to do anything fancy, but I know you would’ve already tied the knot if you just made a real effort to get those tangles out. Who wants to spend their life with someone who pulls their hair back like some farm girl?” Kessler went on to say she’d have at least one grandchild by now if her daughter just wore lipstick every once in a while.

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