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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Area Mom Convinced 30-Year-Old Daughter Would Be Married By Now If She Just Brushed Her Hair More

LAYTON, UT—Certain it was all that was holding her back from finding the man of her dreams, area mom Janet Kessler told reporters Thursday that she was convinced her 30-year-old daughter Meredith would be married by now if she just brushed her hair more. “You know, if you just took a few extra minutes in the morning to run a comb through your hair, I’m absolutely certain you’d have a husband by now,” said Kessler, adding that if Meredith didn’t take care of the frizz, the closest she’d ever get to a wedding would be as someone else’s bridesmaid. “I’m not saying that you have to do anything fancy, but I know you would’ve already tied the knot if you just made a real effort to get those tangles out. Who wants to spend their life with someone who pulls their hair back like some farm girl?” Kessler went on to say she’d have at least one grandchild by now if her daughter just wore lipstick every once in a while.

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