Area Mom Could Have Made Same Meal At Home For Much Cheaper

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After Birth

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

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Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year

ROUND ROCK, TX—Frustrated at her repeated inability to steer a struggling young person in the right direction, McClintock High School English teacher Jan Broderic said Tuesday that she picks the wrong student to believe in every fucking year. Broder...

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...
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Personal Finance

Area Mom Could Have Made Same Meal At Home For Much Cheaper

NAPERVILLE, IL—During an outing to Chisholm's Family Restaurant Monday, Sandy Wiersma, 43, repeatedly told her family that she could have made the same food at home for significantly less money.

Sandy Wiersma.

"When I saw the menu, I just couldn't believe we were paying for things I easily could have made at home for a fraction of the price," Wiersma said. "It just seemed like a real waste of money to me."

After mentally calculating what it would have cost to prepare the meals ordered by herself, her husband, and their two children, Wiersma said she was "flabbergasted."

"For what we're shelling out on [son] Eric's cheeseburger and fries alone, I could have made dinner for the entire family," Wiersma said. "We all could have had nice cheeseburgers and fries, with plenty left over for baked beans and cole slaw. Plus, I would have toasted the bun just the way Eric likes it."

The restaurant outing was the idea of family patriarch Bob Wiersma, who said it served the dual purpose of "giving Mom a break" and providing a much-needed change of scenery.

"I told her, 'Don't worry about the price, Sandy,'" Bob recalled. "'Let's live it up a little.' Boy, did that backfire."

Sandy said she was upset that none of the dishes ordered were out of her culinary grasp, yet all were priced at least four times the cost of her homemade versions.

"It just seems so wasteful," Sandy said. "My chicken parmesan was $12.95, and I could have easily made it for the entire family for under $10. I could have picked up two nice chicken breasts at the Jewel for $5 and cut each one in half, making four servings. A good jar of tomato sauce would be $3, tops, and a 16-ounce box of pasta you can get for next to nothing. And I think I have everything I'd need for breading the chicken just sitting in the cupboard."

Added Sandy: "And you can bet my pasta wouldn't have been watery and overcooked."

Sandy tried to keep her worries over the cost of the dinner to herself for most of the evening. She felt compelled, however, to speak out against 12-year-old daughter Jenny's choice of a grilled-cheese sandwich as an entree.

"Mom was like, 'Why did you order that?'" Jenny said. "I told her that's what I felt like, so that's what I got. She was freaking out, going off about how I could make a grilled cheese at home for two weeks straight for what they're charging. I was like, 'Mom, I just want a grilled cheese. Don't be such a spaz.'"

According to Jenny, Monday's incident was not the first time her mother has fretted over spending money on items she could have made herself.

"If we ask to buy a Halloween costume from a store, she has a total conniption," Jenny said. "Every year, she tells us that with a little imagination and elbow grease, we can have better costumes than the store-bought stuff. I don't know how many times I've had to be a California Raisin for Halloween because she won't let us go out and buy something cool."

Bob, the family's primary breadwinner, expressed consternation over his wife's thrifty ways.

"I keep telling her we're doing fine, moneywise," Bob said. "It's okay to spend a little to enjoy a nice night out at a restaurant. She'll agree to eat out, but then eventually, at some point in the evening, she'll say, 'You think it's worth paying $8.95 for a $2 plate of chicken fingers just to enjoy this décor? This place is nice, but it's not that nice.'"

Anxious to avoid such situations in the future, Bob said he will make an effort only to bring the family to restaurants that serve foods his wife does not know how to prepare.

"Next time, we'll go to a foreign place and try to pass it off as a 'family-enrichment night,'" Bob said. "There's a Chi-Chi's over in Downers Grove I've always wanted to go to, and I'm pretty sure Sandy doesn't know how to make Mexican, so it should be a more relaxed evening for us all."

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