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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Area Mom Disappointed No One Noticed Mastectomy

LOUISVILLE, KY—Local resident Joanne Cobb, 43, was disappointed Monday when family members failed to comment on her new mastectomy, which she received during a noon appointment while her husband was at work and her three children were at school. "I mean, I look completely different," said Cobb, who had nearly five inches trimmed from her right breast. "I didn't expect them to make a huge fuss, but a little recognition would've been nice." Cobb added that, if this is the kind of reaction she can expect, she might as well cancel her cervical exam next Thursday.

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