Area Mom Freaking Out For No Reason Again

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After Birth

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year

ROUND ROCK, TX—Frustrated at her repeated inability to steer a struggling young person in the right direction, McClintock High School English teacher Jan Broderic said Tuesday that she picks the wrong student to believe in every fucking year. Broder...

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...
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Area Mom Freaking Out For No Reason Again

GALESBURG, IL—Area mother of three Mary Kleibert, 54, was once again freaking out for no reason Tuesday, sources within the Kleibert family reported.

Mary Kleibert

"All I did was mention that I had to go to the DMV because my license was going to expire the next day, and mom completely wigged," said Tim Kleibert, 18, the youngest son of the freaking-out woman. "She started totally spazzing, saying, 'What if they're closed? Then what?' and telling me that the police were going to impound my car if I drove it. I was like, 'Mom, relax.'"

Upon learning of her son's 11th-hour license-renewal plan, Kleibert reportedly went seriously buggo, excitedly listing off the various potential problems he obviously hadn't even taken the time to consider.

"What if you don't pass your vision test?" Mary Kleibert asked. "Or what if the DMV paperwork needs more than 24 hours to clear, and you're not eligible to drive until Thursday? Your father can't drive you to work tomorrow, you know: He'll be in Moline all day."

Her breathing rate audibly increasing, Kleibert reminded her son that if his driver's license is invalid, his car insurance policy would be, too. She described such a scenario as one she doesn't "even want to think about."

Over the next five minutes, Kleibert became more agitated, despite her son's repeated assertion that renewing one's license on the last day is not a federal offense or anything.

Tuesday's driver's-license incident is just one of 15 freak-outs to occur in the past month. On Dec. 26, Kleibert went nuts when she discovered that Tim had thrown away the packaging for his new laptop computer. "What if something goes wrong?" Kleibert, near tears, told her son. "You can't just call in the washing-machine repairman to fix it. Don't you care about your things at all?" She then noisily stomped down the basement steps carrying a laundry basket.

Kleibert went similarly hyper last Thursday, when Tim accidentally overslept, leaving him just 25 minutes to get to his job at a local grocery store. He was awakened by Kleibert, who yelled, "It's quarter after! Do you hear me? Quarter after!" Ten minutes later, as Tim pulled out of the driveway, Kleibert stood on the front steps, shouting, "You've got to eat breakfast! You can't just not eat!"

According to husband Gerald Kleibert, 56, no one in the family is safe from the freak-outs, which range in subject from the dangers of mechanical devices to the threat of food poisoning, with special attention given to heat exhaustion, blood clots, and hems. On Dec. 28, Gerald himself prompted his wife to flip out when he forgot to lock the empty house before running out for a newspaper, leaving the door wide open for anyone, in Kliebert's words, to "waltz off with whatever they could carry."

"Boy, oh, boy," Gerald said. "Mary really blew a gasket over that one."

Three days later, Kleibert went into another tizzy upon discovering that Gerald had failed to plan ahead for their nephew's wedding. Too late to request the day off from work, he called in sick with "the flu" in order to attend the event. As a result of her husband's failure to plan ahead, Kleibert nervously watched the door all night, fearful that someone from her husband's workplace would wander into the wedding reception by accident.

The most baffling of Kleibert's outbursts, family members said, are those involving her two eldest children, neither of whom still live at home. Without warning or provocation, Kleibert will fret loudly about Jason, 24, who "insists on flying everywhere" despite all the airplane accidents on the news, and 22-year-old Erin, who just wanders around from one job to another without getting enough protein.

Despite the preponderance of evidence suggesting otherwise, Tim said he maintains hope that when he leaves for college in August, his mother will acknowledge his adult status and not go batshit-loonball on him so much.

"She's a good mom, and I love her," Tim said. "But, man, she seriously needs to learn to chill."

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