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Area Mom Freaking Out For No Reason Again

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Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

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Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

How U.S. Schools Can Improve Math Education

With U.S. students regularly placing behind 20 to 25 other nations in mathematics test scores, many education experts are wondering what the sources of the problem are and how we can take steps to fix them. Here’s a look at how American schools can improve their math curricula and help struggling students:

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Area Mom Freaking Out For No Reason Again

GALESBURG, IL—Area mother of three Mary Kleibert, 54, was once again freaking out for no reason Tuesday, sources within the Kleibert family reported.

Mary Kleibert

"All I did was mention that I had to go to the DMV because my license was going to expire the next day, and mom completely wigged," said Tim Kleibert, 18, the youngest son of the freaking-out woman. "She started totally spazzing, saying, 'What if they're closed? Then what?' and telling me that the police were going to impound my car if I drove it. I was like, 'Mom, relax.'"

Upon learning of her son's 11th-hour license-renewal plan, Kleibert reportedly went seriously buggo, excitedly listing off the various potential problems he obviously hadn't even taken the time to consider.

"What if you don't pass your vision test?" Mary Kleibert asked. "Or what if the DMV paperwork needs more than 24 hours to clear, and you're not eligible to drive until Thursday? Your father can't drive you to work tomorrow, you know: He'll be in Moline all day."

Her breathing rate audibly increasing, Kleibert reminded her son that if his driver's license is invalid, his car insurance policy would be, too. She described such a scenario as one she doesn't "even want to think about."

Over the next five minutes, Kleibert became more agitated, despite her son's repeated assertion that renewing one's license on the last day is not a federal offense or anything.

Tuesday's driver's-license incident is just one of 15 freak-outs to occur in the past month. On July 2, Kleibert went nuts when she discovered that Tim had thrown away the packaging for his new iMac computer. "What if something goes wrong?" Kleibert, near tears, told her son. "You can't just call in the washing-machine repairman to fix it. Don't you care about your things at all?" She then noisily stomped down the basement steps carrying a laundry basket.

Kleibert went similarly hyper last Thursday, when Tim accidentally overslept, leaving him just 25 minutes to get to his job at a local grocery store. He was awakened by Kleibert, who yelled, "It's quarter after! Do you hear me? Quarter after!" Ten minutes later, as Tim pulled out of the driveway, Kleibert stood on the front steps, shouting, "You've got to eat breakfast! You can't just not eat!"

According to husband Gerald Kleibert, 56, no one in the family is safe from the freak-outs, which range in subject from the dangers of mechanical devices to the threat of food poisoning, with special attention given to heat exhaustion, blood clots, and hems. On July 11, Gerald himself prompted his wife to flip out when he forgot to lock the empty house before running out for a newspaper, leaving the door wide open for anyone, in Kliebert's words, to "waltz off with whatever they could carry."

"Boy, oh, boy," Gerald said. "Mary really blew a gasket over that one."

Three days later, Kleibert went into another tizzy upon discovering that Gerald had failed to plan ahead for their nephew's wedding. Too late to request the day off from work, he called in sick with "the flu" in order to attend the event. As a result of her husband's failure to plan ahead, Kleibert nervously watched the door all night, fearful that someone from her husband's workplace would wander into the wedding reception by accident.

The most baffling of Kleibert's outbursts, family members said, are those involving her two eldest children, neither of whom still live at home. Without warning or provocation, Kleibert will fret loudly about Jason, 24, who "insists on flying everywhere" despite all the airplane accidents on the news, and 22-year-old Erin, who just wanders around from one job to another without getting enough protein.

Despite the preponderance of evidence suggesting otherwise, Tim said he maintains hope that when he leaves for college in August, his mother will acknowledge his adult status and not go batshit-loonball on him so much.

"She's a good mom, and I love her," Tim said. "But, man, she seriously needs to learn to chill."

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