adBlockCheck

Area Mom, Jerry To Wed

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Area Mom, Jerry To Wed

Mom and her new fiancé, who's apparently some guy named Jerry.
Mom and her new fiancé, who's apparently some guy named Jerry.

HARRISBURG, PA—Mom, 54, is evidently going to marry Jerry, the guy she's been seeing for over a year now, family sources reported Monday.

"You remember Jerry," Mom said in a long-distance telephone call to her youngest son, Daniel Schickele, 29. "He bought you that variety tin of popcorn last Christmas."

"Well, we're getting married," she added.

Mom met Jerry three years ago on an over-50 singles cruise, but did not start dating him until September 2007. Since then, the two have apparently been spending more and more time together.

While not much is known about Jerry, 60, those who have met him have confirmed that he seems like a pretty good guy.

"I guess he makes Mom happy," said daughter Pam Schickele, 32, who lives in Idaho now and hasn't seen Mom in a few years. "He's the bald one, right? Because I know she was seeing that other guy for a while, too, but he wasn't bald."

Mom, who reverted to her maiden name of Pendersen after the divorce seven years ago, did not display any strong emotion during her announcement, but seemed, on the whole, to be pleased.

"It's not like she goes on and on about him or anything, but she's fairly excited," son Ted Schickele, 27, told reporters after learning of the upcoming Mom-Jerry nuptials. "I know she joined his bowling league a while back, and I even heard they went on a camping trip together, so it seems like they've gotten pretty close. It's hard to say. I haven't seen her since that time me and the kids stopped by on our way back from Florida.

"That guy Jerry was there," he added. "He drove an SUV that looked pretty new."

Jerry, who is reportedly in some sort of sales or something, has a few grown kids of his own who will become stepbrothers and stepsisters once the marriage is finalized.

"We'll probably meet Jerry's family at the wedding," Pam said. "I wonder if they still live in Harrisburg, or what. I heard one of his sons is a dentist. Or a chiropractor? I can't remember."

What Jerry's children are like is "anybody's guess," Pam said.

According to reports, the wedding plans include a modest ceremony, in which the bride and Jerry will exchange vows, followed by a three-day honeymoon in San Diego, where the couple will spend time with Jerry's mother, who lives in a retirement community there.

Overall, family members have reacted to the news positively.

"He's not George Clooney or anything, but at this point I don't see why Mom should have to sit around waiting for Mr. Perfect," Ted said. "And Jerry seems like a nice enough guy. We watched the game together one Thanksgiving."

"He's good for her," Ted added.

Jerry's first wife reportedly passed some years back.

"This seems pretty sudden, but I don't know," Pam said. "When Dad married Tina a couple years ago we all wondered how that would go over, but it wasn't such a big deal. I'm sure Mom and this Jerry guy's marriage will be okay, too."

As of press time, Dad could not be reached for comment.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close