adBlockCheck

Area Mom, Jerry To Wed

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Area Mom, Jerry To Wed

Mom and her new fiancé, who's apparently some guy named Jerry.
Mom and her new fiancé, who's apparently some guy named Jerry.

HARRISBURG, PA—Mom, 54, is evidently going to marry Jerry, the guy she's been seeing for over a year now, family sources reported Monday.

"You remember Jerry," Mom said in a long-distance telephone call to her youngest son, Daniel Schickele, 29. "He bought you that variety tin of popcorn last Christmas."

"Well, we're getting married," she added.

Mom met Jerry three years ago on an over-50 singles cruise, but did not start dating him until September 2007. Since then, the two have apparently been spending more and more time together.

While not much is known about Jerry, 60, those who have met him have confirmed that he seems like a pretty good guy.

"I guess he makes Mom happy," said daughter Pam Schickele, 32, who lives in Idaho now and hasn't seen Mom in a few years. "He's the bald one, right? Because I know she was seeing that other guy for a while, too, but he wasn't bald."

Mom, who reverted to her maiden name of Pendersen after the divorce seven years ago, did not display any strong emotion during her announcement, but seemed, on the whole, to be pleased.

"It's not like she goes on and on about him or anything, but she's fairly excited," son Ted Schickele, 27, told reporters after learning of the upcoming Mom-Jerry nuptials. "I know she joined his bowling league a while back, and I even heard they went on a camping trip together, so it seems like they've gotten pretty close. It's hard to say. I haven't seen her since that time me and the kids stopped by on our way back from Florida.

"That guy Jerry was there," he added. "He drove an SUV that looked pretty new."

Jerry, who is reportedly in some sort of sales or something, has a few grown kids of his own who will become stepbrothers and stepsisters once the marriage is finalized.

"We'll probably meet Jerry's family at the wedding," Pam said. "I wonder if they still live in Harrisburg, or what. I heard one of his sons is a dentist. Or a chiropractor? I can't remember."

What Jerry's children are like is "anybody's guess," Pam said.

According to reports, the wedding plans include a modest ceremony, in which the bride and Jerry will exchange vows, followed by a three-day honeymoon in San Diego, where the couple will spend time with Jerry's mother, who lives in a retirement community there.

Overall, family members have reacted to the news positively.

"He's not George Clooney or anything, but at this point I don't see why Mom should have to sit around waiting for Mr. Perfect," Ted said. "And Jerry seems like a nice enough guy. We watched the game together one Thanksgiving."

"He's good for her," Ted added.

Jerry's first wife reportedly passed some years back.

"This seems pretty sudden, but I don't know," Pam said. "When Dad married Tina a couple years ago we all wondered how that would go over, but it wasn't such a big deal. I'm sure Mom and this Jerry guy's marriage will be okay, too."

As of press time, Dad could not be reached for comment.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close