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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Area Mom, Jerry To Wed

Mom and her new fiancé, who's apparently some guy named Jerry.
Mom and her new fiancé, who's apparently some guy named Jerry.

HARRISBURG, PA—Mom, 54, is evidently going to marry Jerry, the guy she's been seeing for over a year now, family sources reported Monday.

"You remember Jerry," Mom said in a long-distance telephone call to her youngest son, Daniel Schickele, 29. "He bought you that variety tin of popcorn last Christmas."

"Well, we're getting married," she added.

Mom met Jerry three years ago on an over-50 singles cruise, but did not start dating him until September 2007. Since then, the two have apparently been spending more and more time together.

While not much is known about Jerry, 60, those who have met him have confirmed that he seems like a pretty good guy.

"I guess he makes Mom happy," said daughter Pam Schickele, 32, who lives in Idaho now and hasn't seen Mom in a few years. "He's the bald one, right? Because I know she was seeing that other guy for a while, too, but he wasn't bald."

Mom, who reverted to her maiden name of Pendersen after the divorce seven years ago, did not display any strong emotion during her announcement, but seemed, on the whole, to be pleased.

"It's not like she goes on and on about him or anything, but she's fairly excited," son Ted Schickele, 27, told reporters after learning of the upcoming Mom-Jerry nuptials. "I know she joined his bowling league a while back, and I even heard they went on a camping trip together, so it seems like they've gotten pretty close. It's hard to say. I haven't seen her since that time me and the kids stopped by on our way back from Florida.

"That guy Jerry was there," he added. "He drove an SUV that looked pretty new."

Jerry, who is reportedly in some sort of sales or something, has a few grown kids of his own who will become stepbrothers and stepsisters once the marriage is finalized.

"We'll probably meet Jerry's family at the wedding," Pam said. "I wonder if they still live in Harrisburg, or what. I heard one of his sons is a dentist. Or a chiropractor? I can't remember."

What Jerry's children are like is "anybody's guess," Pam said.

According to reports, the wedding plans include a modest ceremony, in which the bride and Jerry will exchange vows, followed by a three-day honeymoon in San Diego, where the couple will spend time with Jerry's mother, who lives in a retirement community there.

Overall, family members have reacted to the news positively.

"He's not George Clooney or anything, but at this point I don't see why Mom should have to sit around waiting for Mr. Perfect," Ted said. "And Jerry seems like a nice enough guy. We watched the game together one Thanksgiving."

"He's good for her," Ted added.

Jerry's first wife reportedly passed some years back.

"This seems pretty sudden, but I don't know," Pam said. "When Dad married Tina a couple years ago we all wondered how that would go over, but it wasn't such a big deal. I'm sure Mom and this Jerry guy's marriage will be okay, too."

As of press time, Dad could not be reached for comment.

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