After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Area Mom Really Gets Her Rocks Off On Being Appreciated

KINGSTON, NY—Boy, show local mother Janine Williams, 50, a little appreciation, and she practically creams herself, family members reported Tuesday.

Williams, who almost jizzes herself every time someone thanks her.

"If you say something as insignificant as, 'Hey Mom, these sheets smell nice,' her face lights up like Times Square on New Years," daughter Nicole Williams, 19, said. "It's like, 'Okay, Mom. You bought a new type of fabric softener. You can stop beaming now.'"

For as long as Williams' son Daniel, 23, can remember, Williams has had almost no ability whatsoever to take a compliment in stride.

"If you really want to stroke Mom's pole, all you have to do is say some little nice thing to her," Daniel said. "Tell her you like the vase of flowers on the table, and she laps it up like a hungry dog."

During a recent visit home, Daniel made the mistake of complimenting Williams on her banana bread. Williams reportedly just about pissed herself.

"I was passing through the kitchen and I said, 'Yay, your famous banana bread,'" Daniel said. "Mom smiled so big, I thought her face was gonna pop like a balloon."

Nobody gets what it is with Williams, or why she gets her rocks off on someone giving her a couple words of thanks, according to Daniel.

"Mom's always doing stuff for us," Daniel said. "You'd think she'd be used to us saying thanks by now, but nope. It still waxes her canoe."

According to husband Don, 54, the thing that really, really stokes Williams' fire is when someone does her some tiny favor.

"This morning, I went out and got the Daily Freeman from the foot of the driveway for her so she wouldn't have to go out in the cold," Don said. "She acted like I'd handed her a winning lottery ticket."

Family members agree that, if you don't want to see Williams have a conniption fit, the absolute last thing you ever want to do is get her a present.

"For her birthday last month, Nicole and I pitched in and got her a pretty expensive pair of earrings," Daniel said. "We gave them to her after we got home from dinner, because we didn't want Mom busting a nut right in the middle of Outback Steakhouse."

Nicole said that, when it comes to making her mother feel appreciated, even she has her limits.

"I decided that I'm not going to make her a homemade Mother's Day card this year," Nicole said. "Last year, I took five minutes to draw something, and it made her break down into tears. I mean, not to be harsh, but is it too much to ask for some dignity and reserve from your mother?"

Williams basically admitted that even the tiniest gesture of affection hauls her ashes over the state line and back.

"Danny and Nicole are getting older now, so we see less and less of each other," Williams said. "It's only natural. But still, I really do think there's nothing more important in this entire world than the love of one's family."

Whatever wanks your crank, Janine Williams of Kingston, NY.

After Birth

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