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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:
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Area Mom Was Waiting In The Car For 20 Minutes

Great, Now She’ll Be Late

LEXINGTON, MA—According to sources within the car-pool lane at Lexington High School, your mom has been waiting for you in the car for over 20 minutes, and now she’s going to be late, which is just great. “What’s the hold up?” your mom just said with a noticeable huff, remarking that she was here right at 3:45 and has had to drive around the parking lot three times already. “Just get in and put your seat belt on.” At press time, reports confirmed your mother is not your personal limo driver and has a life of her own, whether you believe it or not.

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