Area Mother Can Only Imagine What Son Is Eating Right Now

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

How U.S. Schools Can Improve Math Education

With U.S. students regularly placing behind 20 to 25 other nations in mathematics test scores, many education experts are wondering what the sources of the problem are and how we can take steps to fix them. Here’s a look at how American schools can improve their math curricula and help struggling students:

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents

WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school.

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Single, Unemployed Mother Leeching Off Government

WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the system and giving nothing back in return, local unemployed, single mother Mei Xiang reportedly gave birth to two more children out of wedlock this week and continued to pathetically leech off the government.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

How New Parents Can Stay Healthy

Having a baby changes everything, and the resulting lack of sleep and general stress can contribute to a decline in overall wellness. Here are some ways new parents can prevent bad habits and maintain good health

Single Woman With 3 Young Children Unaware She Subject Of 984 Judgments Today

LINCOLN, NE—Oblivious to the thoughts and looks directed toward her as she shopped for groceries, stopped by the post office, and ran several other errands with her three young children, single mother Karen Nichols, 29, was reportedly completely unaware that she was the focus of 984 separate judgments by strangers this afternoon.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.
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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.


Area Mother Can Only Imagine What Son Is Eating Right Now

ROCKFORD, IL—Local mother Anna Sampson, whose 22-year-old son Michael recently graduated from college and is now living on his own for the first time, was kept awake Tuesday night by the  thought of what kind of food Michael was likely eating.

Mother Anna anguishes over any number of unhealthy food possibilities.

"When I moved him into his apartment, I left him with enough food  and recipes and cooking supplies to last him two months, so he should be able to make himself a decent meal every night without worrying about having to buy anything," said Sampson, whose son, at last report, was flanked on both sides by bags of Cool Ranch Doritos and a bag of Wavy Lays, placing one atop the other to create chip sandwiches for lunch. "But he might not even know which cabinet I put the cooking oil in."

"I should call him and tell him where it is right now in case he's looking for it," added Sampson, who would have to direct her son to an area now obscured by two-foot-high stacks of packages of ramen noodles and Nutter Butter Bites.

Sampson says she was able to monitor and influence her son's eating habits while he lived at home, and was rarely concerned about him in college, since she hand-selected his flexible dining-hall meal plan and refilled his on-campus convenience-store points card every month. However, now that Michael is living an hour and a half away in Chicago and is responsible for buying and preparing his own food, it's "a whole different story."

"I just hope that it's not grilled-cheese sandwiches and tomato soup every single night," Sampson said. "And Michael had better watch the amount of sugar he spoons into his oatmeal every morning. That'll rot his teeth." In actuality, Michael routinely skips breakfast, except for last Sunday morning, when he dunked left-over cupcakes from a friend's birthday party in a glass of Sprite.

Michael Sampson

Although she equipped her son with a George Foreman grill, a complete set of pots and pans, several varieties of food "you can make right on the stovetop,"12 boxes of his favorite pasta, three frozen containers of his grandmother's homemade tomato sauce, eight Ziploc bags full of pre-marinated chicken, several cookbooks, and an array of sophisticated kitchen utensils, Sampson is still plagued by nightmares ranging from Michael "not varying his diet enough" to him "eating too many cookies before dinner."

"He doesn't know too many recipes, but hopefully he's cooking small things for himself," said Sampson, incorrectly assuming that her son has turned on his apartment's oven even once during the three weeks he's lived there.

Sampson also failed to take into account the possibility of Michael heating up the tomato sauce in the microwave and using it as a dip while consuming an entire box of Ritz crackers in one sitting.

"The last time I talked to him—three hours ago—I asked him what he's been eating, and he said, 'You know, normal stuff,'" said Sampson, whose personal definition of "normal" does not include spoon-feeding oneself the contents of the container of chocolate cake frosting she bought for him to use on "a special occasion." "I should have asked for specifics, because it's driving me crazy thinking that he's eating too late in the evening. He's always had a sensitive stomach."

"Knowing Michael, he's probably eating fast food once a week," added Sampson. Indeed, since Monday, Michael has on four separate occasions dunked Wendy's chicken nuggets first into artificial nacho cheese, then into a large strawberry Frosty milkshake and consumed them.

"Oh well, he's a big boy now—I'm sure he can manage on his own," Sampson added, admitting that she planned to send him a 200-count bottle of multi-vitamins later in the week.

Her son could not be reached for comment, as he was licking the semi-coagulated grease from the wax packaging of a Jamaican beef patty.

After Birth Video