After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Mother Doesn’t See Why Thai People Need To Make Food So Spicy

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Insisting that inhabitants of the Southeast Asian country “can’t possibly eat like this every day,” local mother Courtney Meisner confirmed Tuesday that she does not understand why Thai people need all their food to be so spicy. “Why do they have to make it so strong and peppery? There’s too many spices,” a flushed Meisner said during lunch at the Lemongrass Thai Grill, reaching for her glass of water to wash down a spoonful of tom yum goong. “Honestly, how can they stand this? There’s no way their children eat this spicy food, I’ll tell you that much.” Unable to finish more than a few bites of her penang curry entrée, Meisner went on to state that Thai people really ought to put all the spices on the side “so you can just put in however much you want.”

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.