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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Area Nephew A Very Funny Young Man

TACOMA, WA—Calling him "quick" and "very clever," local aunt Maria Palmer, 47, confirmed Wednesday that her nephew Gregory Olsen is a very funny young man. "It's like having a stand-up comedian in your living room," said Palmer, adding that the entertaining 13-year-old boy cracks her up with both his funny skits and his "spot-on" impression of Regis Philbin. "I don't know where he comes up with this stuff!" According to reports, Palmer has told her nephew that he should send in some of his jokes to Saturday Night Live.

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