Area Oddball Prefers God Over Girls

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Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
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Area Oddball Prefers God Over Girls

EDINA, MN—In the pages of The Onion, you've met some of our nation's most unusual individuals over the years. And some have been pretty out there.

Jerome O'Shea.

Who can forget Edna McBain of Covington, KY, the wacky widow with the full-scale cement replica of the Apollo 11 moon landing in her barn?

Then there's Jack Montague of Selma, AL, the World War II veteran who refuses to believe the war ever ended and continues to live in a basement bomb shelter, surviving on canned goods and communicating only by short-wave radio.

Certainly, there have been some odd birds to grace The Onion's pages in the past. But get ready for the nuttiest one yet: Edina resident Jerome O'Shea is so religious, he says he's given up courting... for Christ!

And not just for a day or a week, either, but for the rest of his natural life!

You may be wondering what could make a man behave so bizarrely. According to O'Shea, he likes girls, likes them just fine. In fact, he's in an almost constant state of temptation for pert young female bodies, just like millions of other men.

But O'Shea, convinced that the Lord wants him to remain "pure," says that he "received a calling" when he was a young man, which led him to attend the "Seminary" and become officially "ordained."

And what does all this mean? It means O'Shea, 46, has taken a "holy vow of celibacy," sentencing himself to a life of abstinence in order to stay closer to God's path. Apparently, "The path of righteousness" and "The path of sexual frustration" mean pretty much the same thing in the wacky world of this fellow.

So what does he do in his spare time that's so much better than a Saturday night on the town with a pretty gal on his arm? According to O'Shea, his "priestly duties" include "reading the liturgy, lighting ceremonial candles, and ministering to parishioners." Whoa, slow down there, pal! You're out of control!

Perhaps the oddest behavior of this kooky cleric is something he calls the "confessional," during which he sits in a darkened booth and listens to others talk about their sex lives. Weird-o-rama!

Strangely enough, O'Shea's role as a "priest" carries with it the ceremonial title of "Father." Not likely! After all, it's a bit difficult to father a child without hooking up with a "mother," Father. Maybe somebody ought to sit this fellow down for a little lecture about the birds and the bees.

Even more bizarre is O'Shea's weekly simulated cannibalism ritual, in which the body and blood of Christ are devoured by worshippers–but let's just leave that one alone.

O'Shea has been put in the role of moral arbiter of his "congregation," a group of independent citizens who willingly pay him a living salary. Ironically, O'Shea plays an active role it the sex lives of his followers, giving them advice on how sex is best practiced.

And what exactly is his advice? Ready for this one? No birth control allowed, you can't masturbate, and you can only have sex with one person your entire life. If this makes sense to any of you, readers, please explain.

Well, one thing's for sure: We can profile strange members of our community for another thousand years, and we'll never top this one!


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