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Area Oddball Prefers God Over Girls

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Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
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Area Oddball Prefers God Over Girls

EDINA, MN—In the pages of The Onion, you've met some of our nation's most unusual individuals over the years. And some have been pretty out there.

Jerome O'Shea.

Who can forget Edna McBain of Covington, KY, the wacky widow with the full-scale cement replica of the Apollo 11 moon landing in her barn?

Then there's Jack Montague of Selma, AL, the World War II veteran who refuses to believe the war ever ended and continues to live in a basement bomb shelter, surviving on canned goods and communicating only by short-wave radio.

Certainly, there have been some odd birds to grace The Onion's pages in the past. But get ready for the nuttiest one yet: Edina resident Jerome O'Shea is so religious, he says he's given up courting... for Christ!

And not just for a day or a week, either, but for the rest of his natural life!

You may be wondering what could make a man behave so bizarrely. According to O'Shea, he likes girls, likes them just fine. In fact, he's in an almost constant state of temptation for pert young female bodies, just like millions of other men.

But O'Shea, convinced that the Lord wants him to remain "pure," says that he "received a calling" when he was a young man, which led him to attend the "Seminary" and become officially "ordained."

And what does all this mean? It means O'Shea, 46, has taken a "holy vow of celibacy," sentencing himself to a life of abstinence in order to stay closer to God's path. Apparently, "The path of righteousness" and "The path of sexual frustration" mean pretty much the same thing in the wacky world of this fellow.

So what does he do in his spare time that's so much better than a Saturday night on the town with a pretty gal on his arm? According to O'Shea, his "priestly duties" include "reading the liturgy, lighting ceremonial candles, and ministering to parishioners." Whoa, slow down there, pal! You're out of control!

Perhaps the oddest behavior of this kooky cleric is something he calls the "confessional," during which he sits in a darkened booth and listens to others talk about their sex lives. Weird-o-rama!

Strangely enough, O'Shea's role as a "priest" carries with it the ceremonial title of "Father." Not likely! After all, it's a bit difficult to father a child without hooking up with a "mother," Father. Maybe somebody ought to sit this fellow down for a little lecture about the birds and the bees.

Even more bizarre is O'Shea's weekly simulated cannibalism ritual, in which the body and blood of Christ are devoured by worshippers–but let's just leave that one alone.

O'Shea has been put in the role of moral arbiter of his "congregation," a group of independent citizens who willingly pay him a living salary. Ironically, O'Shea plays an active role it the sex lives of his followers, giving them advice on how sex is best practiced.

And what exactly is his advice? Ready for this one? No birth control allowed, you can't masturbate, and you can only have sex with one person your entire life. If this makes sense to any of you, readers, please explain.

Well, one thing's for sure: We can profile strange members of our community for another thousand years, and we'll never top this one!

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