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Area Oddball Prefers God Over Girls

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Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Area Oddball Prefers God Over Girls

EDINA, MN—In the pages of The Onion, you've met some of our nation's most unusual individuals over the years. And some have been pretty out there.

Jerome O'Shea.

Who can forget Edna McBain of Covington, KY, the wacky widow with the full-scale cement replica of the Apollo 11 moon landing in her barn?

Then there's Jack Montague of Selma, AL, the World War II veteran who refuses to believe the war ever ended and continues to live in a basement bomb shelter, surviving on canned goods and communicating only by short-wave radio.

Certainly, there have been some odd birds to grace The Onion's pages in the past. But get ready for the nuttiest one yet: Edina resident Jerome O'Shea is so religious, he says he's given up courting... for Christ!

And not just for a day or a week, either, but for the rest of his natural life!

You may be wondering what could make a man behave so bizarrely. According to O'Shea, he likes girls, likes them just fine. In fact, he's in an almost constant state of temptation for pert young female bodies, just like millions of other men.

But O'Shea, convinced that the Lord wants him to remain "pure," says that he "received a calling" when he was a young man, which led him to attend the "Seminary" and become officially "ordained."

And what does all this mean? It means O'Shea, 46, has taken a "holy vow of celibacy," sentencing himself to a life of abstinence in order to stay closer to God's path. Apparently, "The path of righteousness" and "The path of sexual frustration" mean pretty much the same thing in the wacky world of this fellow.

So what does he do in his spare time that's so much better than a Saturday night on the town with a pretty gal on his arm? According to O'Shea, his "priestly duties" include "reading the liturgy, lighting ceremonial candles, and ministering to parishioners." Whoa, slow down there, pal! You're out of control!

Perhaps the oddest behavior of this kooky cleric is something he calls the "confessional," during which he sits in a darkened booth and listens to others talk about their sex lives. Weird-o-rama!

Strangely enough, O'Shea's role as a "priest" carries with it the ceremonial title of "Father." Not likely! After all, it's a bit difficult to father a child without hooking up with a "mother," Father. Maybe somebody ought to sit this fellow down for a little lecture about the birds and the bees.

Even more bizarre is O'Shea's weekly simulated cannibalism ritual, in which the body and blood of Christ are devoured by worshippers–but let's just leave that one alone.

O'Shea has been put in the role of moral arbiter of his "congregation," a group of independent citizens who willingly pay him a living salary. Ironically, O'Shea plays an active role it the sex lives of his followers, giving them advice on how sex is best practiced.

And what exactly is his advice? Ready for this one? No birth control allowed, you can't masturbate, and you can only have sex with one person your entire life. If this makes sense to any of you, readers, please explain.

Well, one thing's for sure: We can profile strange members of our community for another thousand years, and we'll never top this one!

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