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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Area Panties In A Bunch

CROSS PLAINS, GA—According to Cross Plains police, a pair of panties was discovered Monday wound up in a bunch and badly in need of loosening. "Whoever owned these panties," Cross Plains police chief Raymond Zorn said, "obviously needed to relax.” Failure to chill out, Zorn said, is the number one reason over three million pairs of panties become bunched in the U.S. each year. Zorn said it is still too early to tell if there is a connection between the panty-bunching incident and Friday’s discovery of a pair of Atlanta-area undies in a bundle.

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