Area Sales Rep Played A Little Football Back In College

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Vol 36 Issue 01

Olympic Bronze Medalist To Appear In Flintstones On Ice

DETROIT–Kristin Hammond, figure-skating bronze medalist at the 1998 Nagano Winter Olympics, will once again dazzle skating fans in Flintstones On Ice, playing at Detroit's Joe Louis Arena twice daily through Jan. 30. "When I started skating at age five, I knew I wanted to be in the spotlight," said Hammond, who will play the role of Bedrock resident Betty Rubble in the ice-based production of the Hanna-Barbera cartoon. "After so many years of hard work, in a way, my dreams came more or less true, I guess." Following the touring show's 20-city run, Hammond is slated to appear in an advertisement for a heating-and-cooling repair service in her hometown of Edina, MN.

Bathroom-Disinfectant Ad Reinforces Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

WENATCHEE, WA–A TV commercial for Lysol Bathroom Disinfectant Spray sent OCD sufferer Janine Whittaker plunging even deeper into the disorder Monday. "Germs... germs everywhere," said Whittaker, furiously scrubbing her bathroom's new, already-gleaming shower tile with an industrial-strength ammonia-based cleanser after viewing the Lysol ad. "That commercial is right: Invisible germs and mildew lurk everywhere–in the tub, on the toilet, on the countertops, and in those hard-to-reach spots under the sink." Whittaker was hospitalized in March 1999 after watching a 30-second spot for Palmolive Anti-Bacterial Dishwashing Liquid.

Goddamn Ficus Plant Should Come With Instructions

ALBUQUERQUE, NM–According to area resident Howard Braddock, 44, the goddamn ficus plant in the sun room ought to come with some basic fucking instructions as to what to give it and when. "I'm either overwatering it or underwatering it," said Braddock of the dying plant. "But unless I get myself either an owner's manual or a Ph.D in botany, I may as well just flip a friggin' coin." Braddock further noted that whatever the hell's wrong, three leaves fall off every time he even so much as breathes on the damn thing.

AOL Acquires Time-Warner In Largest-Ever Expenditure Of Pretend Internet Money

DULLES, VA–In the largest merger of imaginary assets in corporate history, Internet giant America Online last week acquired media megacorp Time-Warner for an unprecedented $161 billion in pretend money. "This merger will revolutionize the way invisible amounts of non-existent cash are transferred," said Steve Case of AOL, a company whose actual revenues are a tiny fraction of its make-believe valuation. In an effort to keep pace with AOL, website blairwitchproject.com is expected to acquire General Motors sometime later this week.

Off His Rocker?

In a recent Sports Illustrated article, Atlanta Braves relief pitcher John Rocker called a Latin-American teammate "a fat monkey," insulted Asians and single mothers, and said he would never play for a New York team because he didn't want to ride a subway "next to some queer with AIDS." As a result, baseball commissioner Bud Selig ordered Rocker to undergo psychological testing. What do you think?
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Area Sales Rep Played A Little Football Back In College

LIVONIA, MI–Following a discussion of the Detroit Lions with a potential customer Monday, Kwik-Kool Heating & Air Conditioning sales representative Kevin Resnick mentioned that he played a little football back in college.

Sales rep Kevin Resnick, 36, admits to having "tossed the pigskin around a bit."

"Speaking of football, I used to toss the pigskin around a bit myself," the 36-year-old told Little Red Barn Plush Toys CEO Grant Nussbaum, who was looking into a Kwik-Kool heat and air system for his new factory. "Yup, played two full seasons at Central Michigan. I was a walk-on as a freshman, but by sophomore year, I practically had a full ride."

During the one-hour meeting at Little Red Barn's Livonia headquarters, Nussbaum learned that Resnick played defensive back at CMU for two years, but blew out his right knee in May 1983.

"It was the annual spring intrasquad game, between my sophomore and junior year, and on the very first play from scrimmage I tore my ACL," Resnick told the toy manufacturer. "And that pretty much ended that."

"I still remember those practices," said Resnick, unfolding a glossy Kwik-Kool brochure. "Coach Meijer would put us through hell, pardon my French. The first week of training camp, we'd run 10 miles in full pads every morning and then cool down with something easy, like, oh, 25 windsprints. And even us guys who weren't starters had to do the full thing. It was insane."

"But it was a good experience," Resnick added. "Meijer was a tough bastard, but he taught me a lot about life."

Mark Meijer, retired but still living in Mt. Pleasant near the CMU campus, said he could not recall Resnick specifically, but noted that "all of [his] players were good, solid boys."

"I've put on a few pounds since then, of course," said Resnick, patting his growing paunch. "But I do try to get out and shoot some hoops now and then, and I play in the company's volleyball league every summer."

According to Resnick, "keeping physically active is the key to staying mentally active." Throughout his 11 years at Kwik-Kool, he has had the opportunity to share such bits of wisdom with coworkers, heating-and-cooling-industry suppliers, and Kwik-Kool clients, whom he frequently treats to expenses-paid lunches at local taverns.

"Those were some of the best years of my life," Resnick said during one such three-hour meeting at J.T. McBleacher's Sports Pub with Denkinger Lanes owner Russ Denkinger, who was considering a new air-conditioning system for his bowling alley. "Being out there under the lights during a big game, everyone cheering–what a high. Of course, I only saw a few minutes of game time–it was a very seasoned team. But you should have seen that locker room after a win. Man, that was brotherhood."

Denkinger ultimately decided not to purchase a system from Resnick.

Despite his reminiscing, Resnick is anything but living in the past, and is "extremely excited" about his future with Kwik-Kool, a fast-growing company that has doubled its revenues over the last decade and has plans to branch out with offices as far away as Fort Wayne, IN, in the next 18 months.

"I've got a great life–a beautiful wife, two great kids, and a new 21-foot Sea Ray," said Resnick, pulling a picture of the motorboat from his wallet. "I'm pretty much right on track in terms of the goals I've set and where I wanted to see myself at 35."

Though he has not yet been tapped for any management positions at the company, Resnick did sell the most units in the third quarter of 1995, an achievement that earned him Kwik-Kool "Sales Star Of The Month" honors for September of that year.

"Kevin may not be our star player, but he's a very important member of the Kwik-Kool team," said Dale Rindfleisch, Kwik-Kool regional manager and starting third baseman for George Mason University from 1983 to 1985. "To succeed in business, as in sports, you need more than great starters–you also need a solid bench."

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