Area Senior Stays Active

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Vol 33 Issue 19

Noxious Minions Of Satan Offer Free Installation Through July

CHICAGO—In an exciting new promotion, the hideous mewling lackeys of the Dark Prince Lucifer are offering free installation of TCI cable to any household responding by July 31. "Act now and get great basic-cable channels like MTV, Nickelodeon and CNN with no installation fee," sniveled TCI customer-service representative Wyrmwort, faithful servant of the Lord Of Lies. "Plus, TCI offers you more great premium channels than ever, from HBO to Cinemax to the biggest blockbuster movies on pay-per-view." Wyrmwort then befouled his body with goat's blood and hailed The Great Deceiver.

Tractor-Pull Fans Begin To Question Whether This Is What Life Is Really About

CLAPP, TN—After attending their fourth such event in as many weeks, several rural Tennesseeans have begun to openly question whether tractor pulls and monster-truck rallies are what life is really all about. "It just seems like life could offer more," said Arlo Taylor, the group's leader. "Books, theater, even simply appreciating the trees and flowers." Said fellow tractor-pull fan Wilbur Spann: "I understand the high-school theater company is performing Steven Sondheim's Into The Woods on Friday. Perhaps that would be a refreshing and enriching change of pace from our frequent pilgrimages to see Robosaurus."

Fugitive Movie Heroine Cuts Own Hair Perfectly

SANTA MONICA, CA—A desperate flight from FBI agents resulted in a knockout new look Tuesday, as fugitive movie heroine Nicole Woodring, crouching in a stranger's backyard tool shed in the dark, cut her long hair into a flattering, salon-quality pixie cut using a pair of rusty hedge shears. "I am extremely impressed," professional hairstylist Blaine Mattson said of the new look. "She looks absolutely gorgeous." The on-the-lam Woodring, who has blonde hair in FBI photos, also managed to dye her hair a stunning chestnut brown using a gallon of Thompson's Deck & Patio Stain found in the shed.

Naked Man Mingles Freely In Locker Room

NOVI, MI—Bally Total Fitness patron Fred Mahorn, 42, took a post-shower stroll through the health club's locker room Monday, casually socializing with fellow members for approximately 15 minutes in a state of total undress. "Hey, nice to see you," Mahorn said to numerous men he happened to pass in the locker room, his flaccid penis and talcum-powdered scrotum in plain view. Most patrons either nodded or pretended they thought he was addressing someone else. The naked Mahorn went on to sit in the most visible spot in the locker room and apply anti-fungal cream to his feet before eventually putting on a towel.

India Opens New Mohandas K. Gandhi Nuclear-Testing Facility

PORBANDAR, INDIA—Ushering in a new era of nuclear strength in the global theater, India dedicated the $1.6 billion Mohandas K. Gandhi Nuclear Testing Facility at the site of the famed Indian's birthplace Monday. "Gandhi surely would have been proud," said facility director Rajiv Pindar, setting off a ceremonial 25-megaton blast in honor of Gandhi. Visitors to the facility will be welcomed by an enormous bronze statue of Gandhi, who holds aloft an atom in one hand and a missile in the other.

Prize-Fighting In My Day

Do not even begin to describe to me the recent pugilistic matches, because I wish not to hear of them. The fist-fighters of to-day are like babies wheeled about in their perambulators. The great fighters of my youth—Sullivan, Corbett, Kilrain, Kid Ithaca—fought without boxing-gloves and hurled blows that would slay an ox. As an intrepid boy-scribe for the old Mercantile-Onion, I covered my first heavy-weight fisticuff demonstration in 1885, and it remains the most exciting fight I have ever witnessed. The contenders were Alfred "The Strong-Man" Talmadge and Patrick "The Gentle-man Who Hits Other Gentle-men" Reid, two leviathans who drank pain and dined on agony for break-fast. They were vying for a purse of $50 in gold and a fine Guernsey milking-cow.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Area Senior Stays Active

MIDDLEBURY, VT—"Life begins at 90." So goes the motto of spunky area senior Archibald Munson, 91 years young and still as active as ever. While others may imagine retired life to be dull, this resident of the Middlebury Home For The Aged stays active and vital with his favorite hobby–filling his trousers with his own bowel movements up to 40 hours a week!

Archibald Munson

State-regulated dietary requirements guarantee that Munson gets three high-roughage meals a day, keeping him regular and ensuring the hefty, high-volume defecations that keep him on top of his game. While nursing-home staffers say that trouser-filling among 90-year-olds is common, Munson continually impresses, rising above the crowd with the most voluminously packed trousers on the ward.

Yes, while many seniors fill their pants on occasion, Munson is clearly the champ. Moving his bowels with incredible regularity allows this sporty old-timer to stay in tip-top shape, a lesson we could all afford to learn.

"He's not very lucid, as over the years Alzheimer's has caused most of the higher functions of his brain to erode," said Dr. Frank Gehry, who checks in on Munson once a week. "Yet, despite his dim awareness of his surroundings and identity, Archie's fighting spirit remains strong as a bull. He is blessed with incredible will power, which continually pushes him to keep filling his pants more voluminously and frequently than before."

With a reputation like that, Munson has more than earned the respect of those around him. "Arch maintains a strict program of 10 to 20 trouser-fillings each morning, afternoon and evening, as well as at least one or two bedsheet changes during the night while he sleeps," said nursing assistant Gwen Travis, Munson's state-appointed caregiver. "He's a real trooper, the way he just keeps filling and filling his pants without ever tiring, day after day."

And it's not just his trousers he fills, either. According to nursing-home staffers, Munson's Texas-sized loads have also been found in some of the darnedest spots: the laundry-room dryer, pillowcases, a big box of rubber gloves nurses use when cleaning up urine. Even in other residents' shoes!

And when he's finished unloading, Munson still remains plenty active, fighting and struggling with nursing-home personnel as they attempt to remove his clothes and clean him up. In one instance, he even bit through an orderly's skin.

"He's really proud of his achievements," Travis said. She then smiled, adding, "Sometimes, he tenaciously clings to the accumulated fecal matter, like he doesn't want us to take it away!"

Through sheer perseverance, Munson has increased fecal volume per evacuation by more than 60 percent since 1995. What's more, he now defecates up to six cubic inches at a time, a figure that has stunned medical experts and nursing-home officials alike.

Never content to rest on his laurels, Munson continually strives to reach ever-greater defecatory heights. Pacing himself against other retirees during walks at the local shopping mall, Munson can fill his trousers up to eight times during a single two-hour walk, beating out other mall-walking seniors by a wide margin.

With all his achievements, it's not surprising that Munson has become a true celebrity in Middlebury. In the whole town, there's not a single resident who doesn't recognize his trademark lumpy trousers or his well-known training slogan of, "Where the hell's my goddamned wife, you bastards!"—a fond tribute to his wife Edna, who died in 1978.

Not that trouser-soiling is Munson's only interest. Far from it! His favorite TV show is Rat Patrol, and staffers can always tell how much he enjoys it by the way he hurls large wads of his feces at the rec-room television set whenever the show is on.

As if all that weren't enough, he also loves working with kids. He once wowed a fourth-grade class of Christmas carolers by expelling an entire pound of excrement in excitement. Now that's the Christmas spirit! Archibald Munson: We salute you!

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