Area Senior Stays Active

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Vol 31 Issue 17

Hippocratic Oath Under Review By HMO Board

ATLANTA—The Oath of Hippocrates, a cornerstone of medical ethics for more than 2,000 years, is under review by the board of directors of MedCare, Georgia's leading HMO, it was announced Monday. "It looks good on paper, but frankly, some of the phrases struck us as a bit extreme," said board chair Dr. Forrest Gabler. "For example, 'The health of my patient will be my first consideration.' While it's fine as a concept, when put into actual practice, it creates massive budgetary and liability problems." Another phrase from the oath under review is, "I will practice my profession with conscience and dignity." "That goes without saying, so we'd just as soon not have it in there," Gabler said. Scheduled next for review are the Merck Manual and the Bill of Rights.

Focus Group Reveals: 95 Percent Of Americans Would Like To Go Home

NEW YORK—Extensive focus-group testing results released Monday by the marketing firm of Hayes, Loesser & Falk revealed that an overwhelming 95 percent of Americans are sick of being asked questions and would like to go home as soon as possible. "We were surprised by the results," Hayes, Loesser & Falk vice-president Thomas Mondrian said. "Our focus-group data, designed to capture a representative cross-section of the population, indicates that 19 out of 20 Americans never expected the testing to go on for this long and want us to finish the hell up and let them out of the office." Based upon the new information, Mondrian predicted a major shift in corporate advertising campaigns. "In the future," he said, "you're going to see a lot more products with slogans such as 'Chevrolet: You Can Leave Now' and 'Hormel Chili Is Done Asking You Questions.'"

Clinton Calls For Big Bucks, No Whammys

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton echoed the hopes of a nation in his weekly radio address Sunday, calling for big bucks and no whammys in the U.S. economy. "No whammys, no whammys," Clinton repeated, referring to the mischievous red gremlins who periodically plague the nation's economy, removing all cash reserves from the Federal Treasury. "Give me those big bucks!" Clinton added that while steady, job-based economic growth is what the nation needs most, winning the trip to the Cayman Islands would also be a positive step. Some in Washington, however, criticized Clinton's approach. "The economy is unstable enough as it is," said U.S. Sen. Al D'Amato (R-NY). "The president is truly pressing his luck on this one.

Tell Me Now If You Don't Want To See My Penis

Listen, it's obvious we're having a problem in the communications department. In the future, you've got to tell me what it is you want right away, because otherwise I've got no way of knowing that you don't want to see my penis. I'm a pretty sharp guy, but you can't expect me to know how you're feeling all the time. Unless you tell me, I'm going to just assume that you want to see my penis.

The FDR Memorial

The new Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial, dedicated last Friday in Washington, D.C., has come under fire for not depicting him in a wheelchair. What do you think?

Ask A Humorous Cartoon Cat

Petey Paws is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Humorous Cartoon Cat, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

Rogue Smorgasbord Sates Seven

ASHEVILLE, NC—A rogue smorgasbord ran rampant through the streets of Asheville Monday, eluding police and restauranteurs for over nine hours and sating the appetites of at least seven area residents caught in its path.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Race Relations

Area Senior Stays Active

MIDDLEBURY, VT—Life begins at 90! So goes the motto of spunky area senior Archibald Munson, 91 years young and still as active as ever. While others may imagine retired life to be dull, this resident of the Middlebury Home For The Aged stays active and vital with his favorite hobby—filling his trousers with his own bowel movements up to 40 hours a week.

State-regulated dietary requirements guarantee that Munson gets three high-roughage meals a day, keeping him regular and ensuring the hefty, high-volume defecations that keep him on top of his game. While nursing-home staffers say that trouser-filling among 90-year-olds is common, Munson continually impresses, rising above the crowd with the most voluminously packed trousers on the ward.

Yes, while many seniors fill their pants on occasion, Munson is clearly the champ. Moving his bowels with incredible regularity allows this sporty old-timer to stay in tip-top shape, a lesson we could learn from.

"He's not very lucid, as over the years Alzheimer's has caused most of the higher functions of his brain to erode," said Dr. Frank Gehry, who checks in on Munson once a week. "Yet, despite his dim awareness of his surroundings and identity, Archie's fighting spirit remains strong as an ox. He is blessed with incredible will power, which continually pushes him to keep filling his pants more voluminously and frequently than before."

With a reputation like that, Munson has more than earned the respect of those around him. "Arch maintains a strict program of 10 to 20 trouser-filling repetitions each morning, mid day and evening, as well as at least one or two bedsheet changes during the night as he sleeps," said nursing assistant Gwen Travis, Munson's county-appointed caregiver. "He's a real trooper, the way he just keeps filling and filling his pants without ever tiring, day after day."

And it's not just his trousers he fills, either. According to nursing-home staffers, Munson's Texas-sized loads have also been found in some of the darnedest spots: the laundry-room dryer, pillowcases, a big box of rubber gloves nurses use when cleaning up urine, even in other residents' shoes!

Even when he's finished unloading, Munson remains plenty active, fighting and struggling with nursing-home personnel as they attempt to remove his clothes and clean him up. In one instance, he even bit through an orderly's skin.

"He's really proud of his achievements," Travis said. She then smiled, adding, "Sometimes, he physically clings to the accumulated fecal matter, like he doesn't want us to take it away!"

Through sheer perseverance, Munson has increased fecal volume per evacuation by more than 60 perecnt since 1995. What's more, he now defecates up to six cubic inches at a time, a figure that has stunned medical authorities and community members alike.

Never content to rest on his laurels, Munson continually strives to reach ever-greater defecatory heights. Pacing himself against other retirees during walks at the local shopping mall, Munson can fill his trousers up to eight times during a single two-hour walk, beating out other mall-walking seniors by a wide margin.

With all his achievements, it's not surprising Munson has become a true celebrity in Middlebury. All across town, there's not a single resident who doesn't recognize his trademark lumpy trousers or his well-known training slogan of "Where the hell's my goddamned wife, you bastards!," a fond tribute to his wife Edna, who died in 1958.

Not that trouser-soiling is Munson's only interest. Far from it! His favorite TV show is Rat Patrol, and staffers can always tell how much he enjoys it by the way he hurls large wads of his feces at the rec-room television set whenever the show is on.

As if all that weren't enough, he also loves working with kids. He once impressed an entire fourth-grade class of Christmas carolers by expelling an entire pound of excrement in excitement. Now that's Christmas spirit! Archibald Munson: We salute you!

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