Area Seventh-Grader Now A Woman

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After Birth

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year

ROUND ROCK, TX—Frustrated at her repeated inability to steer a struggling young person in the right direction, McClintock High School English teacher Jan Broderic said Tuesday that she picks the wrong student to believe in every fucking year. Broder...

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...
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  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Area Seventh-Grader Now A Woman

DURHAM, NH—Friends, family members, and teachers close to former little girl Sally Erhardt report that the seventh-grader is now a woman, due to a physical change that occurred in the Durham West Middle School girls' restroom Monday.

Erhardt examines the woman in the mirror.

"Well, my, my—so our little Sally is a woman now!" summer-school teacher Jane McQuillan said after Erhardt sheepishly informed her of the transformation. "That's so wonderful. You must be so happy!"

The 4'11", 82-pound, red-headed woman, whose hobbies include collecting plastic Breyer horse figures, reading Harry Potter novels, and listening to Hilary Duff CDs, will now also discharge blood and tissue from her uterus about every 28 days.

Erhardt's change of status was discovered during a Math Wizards session, when she complained of mild stomach cramping and asked for permission to talk to the school nurse. On her way to the nurse's office, Erhardt went to the bathroom and discovered her passage into womanhood.

The information was almost immediately disseminated throughout the summer-school staff.

"Oh, Sally, I'm so happy for you!" physical-education instructor Terri Flieshmann said when the newly christened woman opted out of swimming. "This is such a big day for you. You should enjoy it. Just sit over there on the bleachers where I can keep an eye on you."

"This is so special!" Flieshmann added, her voice echoing throughout the natatorium.

Erhardt's cycle began several weeks ago, when her pituitary gland released Follicle Stimulating Hormone, which targeted her ovaries and stimulated the follicles within them to ripen several eggs in preparation for ovulation. At this time, estrogen was released by Erhardt's ovaries, as well.

Throughout the day, Erhardt was overwhelmed by congratulations, warm wishes, and unsolicited presentations of hygiene products. She also received special attention from the home-economics teacher, Stacy Sidran.

"This is a very special day for you," Sidran said, after having pulled Erhardt out of art class in front of more than 40 curious students. "You'll soon learn that your life has changed. People will treat you differently now that you're a woman. There will be new expectations, and new challenges."

"Do you use an anti-perspirant deodorant?" Sidran asked, after having hugged the confused and slightly frightened woman.

Though exposed to filmstrips and reading material designed to prepare them for the event, Erhardt's classmates have expressed confusion over the former girl's recently attained womanhood.

One of the approximately 500 eggs that Erhardt's ovarian follicles will release in her lifetime.

"What's with Sally today?" asked Brian Bovey, a child with whom Erhardt played before she reached maturity, as recently as yesterday. "All of a sudden, she's not talking to anyone. Is she mad about something?"

"Yeah, Sally sure is being quiet," said Tiffany Nielsen, a girlhood acquaintance of Erhardt's. "I hope she isn't going to get all stuck up now that—oh, never mind. You wouldn't understand. It's a woman thing."

While they admit that they were emotionally unprepared for the advent of Erhardt's womanhood, family members expressed excitement over the news.

"Well, my little girl's a woman now, hey?" said Mark, the woman's father, whose gift of a floral arrangement caused his newly adult daughter to hide under her bed for several hours. "That's really... I mean... I think it's great. I sure will miss seeing Daddy's little strawberry play with her dolls and her stuffed animals, but, hey, she's not a little kid anymore."

Mark then repeatedly inquired, to no one in particular, as to when his wife might return home.

The woman herself has thus far refused to comment at length on her migration into maturity.

"Please go away," the tearful 12-year-old woman told reporters through her closed bedroom door. "Everyone's been staring at me all day. Would everybody please just leave me alone? God!"

The flow of blood from Erhardt's vagina will last between three and six days each month, and is a normal part of being a sexually mature woman.

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