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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Area Smoker One Of America's Top Phlegm-Producers

WASHINGTON, DC—A report released by the Department Of Respiratory Affairs revealed that Brooklyn, NY smoker T. Eric Mayhew, 38, has risen to the ranks of America's 2006 top phlegm-producers, alone accounting for nearly  seven percent of aggregate phlegm yield in the Northeast.

 "I've made great strides these past two years, and with—" said Mayhew, pausing to hack up approximately 10 fluid ounces of brown and orange sludge, "—the onset of winter, I have every confidence that I can far exceed my quota in the next quarter."

Mayhew, whose sustained coughing fits can reportedly last more than 90 seconds, joins such steadfast phlegm-makers as coal miner Frank Wallersheim, five-glass-a-day milk drinker Bob Muncie, and gravel-voiced actor Wilford Brimley.

The former top phlegm-producer, Saginaw, MI's Margaret Gunter, dropped abruptly off the list.

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