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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Area Smoker One Of America's Top Phlegm-Producers

WASHINGTON, DC—A report released by the Department Of Respiratory Affairs revealed that Brooklyn, NY smoker T. Eric Mayhew, 38, has risen to the ranks of America's 2006 top phlegm-producers, alone accounting for nearly  seven percent of aggregate phlegm yield in the Northeast.

 "I've made great strides these past two years, and with—" said Mayhew, pausing to hack up approximately 10 fluid ounces of brown and orange sludge, "—the onset of winter, I have every confidence that I can far exceed my quota in the next quarter."

Mayhew, whose sustained coughing fits can reportedly last more than 90 seconds, joins such steadfast phlegm-makers as coal miner Frank Wallersheim, five-glass-a-day milk drinker Bob Muncie, and gravel-voiced actor Wilford Brimley.

The former top phlegm-producer, Saginaw, MI's Margaret Gunter, dropped abruptly off the list.

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