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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Area Smoker One Of America's Top Phlegm-Producers

WASHINGTON, DC—A report released by the Department Of Respiratory Affairs revealed that Brooklyn, NY smoker T. Eric Mayhew, 38, has risen to the ranks of America's 2006 top phlegm-producers, alone accounting for nearly  seven percent of aggregate phlegm yield in the Northeast.

 "I've made great strides these past two years, and with—" said Mayhew, pausing to hack up approximately 10 fluid ounces of brown and orange sludge, "—the onset of winter, I have every confidence that I can far exceed my quota in the next quarter."

Mayhew, whose sustained coughing fits can reportedly last more than 90 seconds, joins such steadfast phlegm-makers as coal miner Frank Wallersheim, five-glass-a-day milk drinker Bob Muncie, and gravel-voiced actor Wilford Brimley.

The former top phlegm-producer, Saginaw, MI's Margaret Gunter, dropped abruptly off the list.

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