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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Area Smoker One Of America's Top Phlegm-Producers

WASHINGTON, DC—A report released by the Department Of Respiratory Affairs revealed that Brooklyn, NY smoker T. Eric Mayhew, 38, has risen to the ranks of America's 2006 top phlegm-producers, alone accounting for nearly  seven percent of aggregate phlegm yield in the Northeast.

 "I've made great strides these past two years, and with—" said Mayhew, pausing to hack up approximately 10 fluid ounces of brown and orange sludge, "—the onset of winter, I have every confidence that I can far exceed my quota in the next quarter."

Mayhew, whose sustained coughing fits can reportedly last more than 90 seconds, joins such steadfast phlegm-makers as coal miner Frank Wallersheim, five-glass-a-day milk drinker Bob Muncie, and gravel-voiced actor Wilford Brimley.

The former top phlegm-producer, Saginaw, MI's Margaret Gunter, dropped abruptly off the list.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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