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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Area Stoner Convinced Everyone On TV Also Stoned

ATHENS, GA—In a highly stoned statement made while sitting around watching late-night cable TV with his roommates Tuesday, Athens-area stoner Dirk Udell announced his conviction that everyone on TV is also stoned.

Athens, GA, stoner Dirk Udell.

"You ever see that HBO series Mr. Show? Those guys are out there, man," said Udell, a part-time record-store clerk and occasional drummer for an as-yet-unnamed local band. "Those guys must get fucked up all the time, you can totally tell just by looking at 'em. I mean it. I don't know what those people are smokin', but, like, the other night, David, the bald guy, comes out and starts dancing around all crazy and shit? And Bob just looked at him like, 'Whoa, man, you are so baked.'"

"I was like, man," Udell said.

According to Udell, among the other TV personalities who are "obviously baked out of their minds" are David Letterman, the guy who does the voice of Homer Simpson, Sipowicz on NYPD Blue, the cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000, Beavis, Butthead, that one "Let's Get Ready To Rumble" dude, Howard Stern, that guy on the Menards commercials, MTV's Matt Pinfield, and the people who came up with the aliens for the original Star Trek series.

"I mean, come on," said Udell, pausing to take what witnesses described as a "monster" bong hit. "A freakin' white furry gorilla with, like, one horn stickin' out the middle of his head? You just know somebody was chokin' down some serious primo cheeba-cheeba when they dreamed that up."

"That shit's fucked up," he added.

The 26-year-old Udell is no stranger to controversy. He has made numerous inflammatory statements in the past, including a June 3 allegation that the Masons are into some really freaky shit and a January 1996 announcement that somebody was eating all his Fruit Roll-Ups without asking permission. The longtime stoner's latest remarks, however, delivered in a semi-coherent monotone through a drug-induced haze, are widely considered his most explosive yet.

"I'll tell you something else, man," Udell said. "The other night, they had a rerun of that one episode of Space Ghost where the guest was Beck, and he was so stoned. He had, like, a lampshade on his head, and he was all like, 'This is my space helmet' or some shit like that. I mean, he was stoned off his gourd. It was awesome. Those Space Ghost guys must be so high, man. Especially Brak. Brak rules. He is, like, so wasted."

Udell's numerous allegations of celebrity drug use could not be confirmed as of press time. The fact that Udell was really high was confirmed, however.

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