Area Stoner Convinced Everyone On TV Also Stoned

Top Headlines


Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Area Stoner Convinced Everyone On TV Also Stoned

ATHENS, GA—In a highly stoned statement made while sitting around watching late-night cable TV with his roommates Tuesday, Athens-area stoner Dirk Udell announced his conviction that everyone on TV is also stoned.

Athens, GA, stoner Dirk Udell.

"You ever see that HBO series Mr. Show? Those guys are out there, man," said Udell, a part-time record-store clerk and occasional drummer for an as-yet-unnamed local band. "Those guys must get fucked up all the time, you can totally tell just by looking at 'em. I mean it. I don't know what those people are smokin', but, like, the other night, David, the bald guy, comes out and starts dancing around all crazy and shit? And Bob just looked at him like, 'Whoa, man, you are so baked.'"

"I was like, man," Udell said.

According to Udell, among the other TV personalities who are "obviously baked out of their minds" are David Letterman, the guy who does the voice of Homer Simpson, Sipowicz on NYPD Blue, the cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000, Beavis, Butthead, that one "Let's Get Ready To Rumble" dude, Howard Stern, that guy on the Menards commercials, MTV's Matt Pinfield, and the people who came up with the aliens for the original Star Trek series.

"I mean, come on," said Udell, pausing to take what witnesses described as a "monster" bong hit. "A freakin' white furry gorilla with, like, one horn stickin' out the middle of his head? You just know somebody was chokin' down some serious primo cheeba-cheeba when they dreamed that up."

"That shit's fucked up," he added.

The 26-year-old Udell is no stranger to controversy. He has made numerous inflammatory statements in the past, including a June 3 allegation that the Masons are into some really freaky shit and a January 1996 announcement that somebody was eating all his Fruit Roll-Ups without asking permission. The longtime stoner's latest remarks, however, delivered in a semi-coherent monotone through a drug-induced haze, are widely considered his most explosive yet.

"I'll tell you something else, man," Udell said. "The other night, they had a rerun of that one episode of Space Ghost where the guest was Beck, and he was so stoned. He had, like, a lampshade on his head, and he was all like, 'This is my space helmet' or some shit like that. I mean, he was stoned off his gourd. It was awesome. Those Space Ghost guys must be so high, man. Especially Brak. Brak rules. He is, like, so wasted."

Udell's numerous allegations of celebrity drug use could not be confirmed as of press time. The fact that Udell was really high was confirmed, however.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close