adBlockCheck

Area Stoners Mistakenly Hold Massive Kemp Rally

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Area Stoners Mistakenly Hold Massive Kemp Rally

BOULDER, CO—A diverse group of marijuana advocates, or "stoners" as they are popularly known, mistakenly held a massive rally in support of Republican party vice-presidential nominee Jack Kemp yesterday, calling upon citizens and the legislature in their demands for the candidate's immediate legalization.

Nearly 300,000 jammed Boulder's downtown area in support of the decriminalization of vice-presidential candidate Jack Kemp, calling him "America's unsung miracle crop."

Touting Kemp as "America's unsung miracle crop," the group announced that the one-time NFL quarterback and Secretary of Housing and Urban Development could revolutionize American agriculture, creating an amazing new source of cheap and renewable raw material for everything from medical supplies to textile and paper fiber to dietary protein.

"Everybody thinks Kemp is un-American, but George Washington himself grew Kemp," rally organizer Heather "Rain" Sanders said. "And he was, like, the father of our country." According to Sanders, Kemp was also grown by Thomas Jefferson, whom she claimed today would be imprisoned for planting, raising and harvesting the longtime Congressional conservative.

In addition to carrying banners and shouting slogans of protest, the tie-dyed, long-haired demonstrators publicly flaunted their pro-Kemp stance by openly smoking "joints," a slang term for cigarettes rolled with marijuana, a substance which, according to ralliers, is derived from a seedless, female variety of the vice-presidential nominee.

Rally attendee Mike Cudahy concurred with the many pro-Kemp claims, holding up a wool hat emblazoned with a design reading, "Cypress Hill: Insane In The Membrane," and telling reporters, "This hat is 100 percent Kemp!"

"Jack Kemp remains the nation's best source of cheap, non-polluting paper and cloth," rallygoer Frank "Thatches" Moynihan said. "In the early 20th century, he was also used to make high-quality rope until his unethical criminalization in 1932, which was railroaded through Congress via a yellow journalism smear campaign by William Randolph Hearst."

Added Moynihan: "Man, am I baked."

Despite running smoothly overall, the Kemp rally was briefly interrupted by Republican campaign advocates who showed up in support of their candidate. In addition to angering the crowd by refusing to wear marijuana leaf buttons handed out by rally organizers, the Republicans frightened many in attendance with their conservative, monochromatic mode of dress.

Marijuana advocates are describing yesterday's Kemp rally as "the kind."

"I'm standin' there yellin', 'Kemp! Kemp!' and this suit-wearin tie guy is standin' right next to me. I'm like, 'What the hell?'" said protester Jamie "Starbaby" Dugan, of nearby Ft. Collins. "I don't know who those guys were, but they sure didn't look like Kemp smokers to me. Maybe they were narcs."

The rally was also briefly interrupted by local police officials, who attempted to explain to ralliers their fundamental hemp/Kemp confusion. Despite their efforts, the officials were quickly drowned out by protesters who chanted, "We won't listen to your lies! Kemp will make this nation high!" over and over until collapsing in coughing spasms. They continued to chant and make speeches until reconvening several hours later to enjoy unlimited salad bar visits at a nearby Wendy's.

While the vice-presidential candidate himself did not attend the demonstration, Kemp's office issued a formal response:

"This demonstration and others like it prove that America wants Kemp. Only the team of Kemp and Dole can make the United States great again!"

Despite expressing pleasure with the rally, the statement did, however, strongly deny that Kemp is a plant.

"We can assure you and your readers that the Congressman is decidedly mammalian in taxonomy," it read. "Mr. Kemp is now and has always been staunchly non-fibrous."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close