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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Area Stores Stock Up On Shit

CHICAGO—With the official start of the holiday season just days away, Chicago retailers—like those across the U.S.—are bracing for the coming onslaught of shoppers with an unprecedented stockup on shit.

In anticipation of the hordes of shoppers the holiday season brings, area retailers are busy filling their shelves with shit

"You wouldn't believe how much shit we are selling," said Amos Frawley, manager of a Chicago-area Wal-Mart store. "Electric razors, Toy Story videos, novelty ties, football phones, Hickory Farms cheese-and-meat gift sets—you name it, they're buying it. We're packing every inch of shelf space with shit, and we still can't keep up with the demand."

Among the shit expected to reach new sales levels this year is Christmas-themed shit, such as shiny tree decorations and ceramic, hand-painted Santa figurines. Also expected to sell well are articles of clothing which light up at night, such as glow-in-the-dark Joe Boxer-brand boxer shorts and battery-operated Dearfoam slippers with special "Nite-Lites" attached to the front.

"Novelty shit always seems to sell well," said Elaine Maier, head apparel buyer for an area Marshall Field's department store. "Then again, around this time of year, people will buy just about any shit they can get their hands on."

Woodfield Mall in Schaumburg, IL, is getting into the spirit of the holidays—and of selling loads of shit—by decorating its courtyard in a "Wonderland of Shit" motif featuring Christmas-themed shit from all 172 of its stores. Actor Jeff Goldblum is slated to appear at the mall Friday to officially kick off the festivities by reciting his famous Jurassic Park line, "That is one big pile of shit."

Though Christmas is still weeks away, the shopping has already hit a fever pitch. "I got to the mall at 6 a.m. today, two hours before it even opened," said Edgar Janks of DeKalb, IL. "I want first crack at the shit. Nobody wants to get there after all the good shit's gone."

Said Chicago's Debra Tanner, who was at the mall Monday to buy a large amount of shit, including a cordless phone, a Charlotte Hornets NBA Starter jacket and a five-speed foot massager: "I don't have nearly enough time to get the shit I need."

Lower prices are also expected to spur purchases of shit this year. Toys 'R' Us, the nation's largest toy retailer, is aggressively promoting its seasonal slogan, "The shit you want at the best prices."

"Not only is there more shit this year than ever before," said noted economist Milton Friedenzohn, "but what there is is far shittier. The Sanyo boom boxes being sold this year, for example, are even more likely to break than those from the previous year. And those new Panasonic WebTVs are just shit."

In addition to familiar retailers, shops specializing in seasonal shit are opening temporarily in hopes of capitalizing on the December craving for shit. "Christmas Shit," "Wicks 'n' Shit," and "Bob's Shittery" are just a few of the stores offering customers nothing but shit.

Even supermarkets are altering their inventories to meet the demand for shit, filling shelves with decorative snack tins featuring depictions of Santa Claus, which cost twice as much as comparable items that come in ordinary packaging. Also available are pfefferneuse cookies, egg nog and holiday Oreo cookies with red shit inside.

Said Friedenzohn: "There's going be a whole lot of shit under America's Christmas trees this year."


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