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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Area Stores Stock Up On Shit

CHICAGO—With the official start of the holiday season just days away, Chicago retailers—like those across the U.S.—are bracing for the coming onslaught of shoppers with an unprecedented stockup on shit.

In anticipation of the hordes of shoppers the holiday season brings, area retailers are busy filling their shelves with shit

"You wouldn't believe how much shit we are selling," said Amos Frawley, manager of a Chicago-area Wal-Mart store. "Electric razors, Toy Story videos, novelty ties, football phones, Hickory Farms cheese-and-meat gift sets—you name it, they're buying it. We're packing every inch of shelf space with shit, and we still can't keep up with the demand."

Among the shit expected to reach new sales levels this year is Christmas-themed shit, such as shiny tree decorations and ceramic, hand-painted Santa figurines. Also expected to sell well are articles of clothing which light up at night, such as glow-in-the-dark Joe Boxer-brand boxer shorts and battery-operated Dearfoam slippers with special "Nite-Lites" attached to the front.

"Novelty shit always seems to sell well," said Elaine Maier, head apparel buyer for an area Marshall Field's department store. "Then again, around this time of year, people will buy just about any shit they can get their hands on."

Woodfield Mall in Schaumburg, IL, is getting into the spirit of the holidays—and of selling loads of shit—by decorating its courtyard in a "Wonderland of Shit" motif featuring Christmas-themed shit from all 172 of its stores. Actor Jeff Goldblum is slated to appear at the mall Friday to officially kick off the festivities by reciting his famous Jurassic Park line, "That is one big pile of shit."

Though Christmas is still weeks away, the shopping has already hit a fever pitch. "I got to the mall at 6 a.m. today, two hours before it even opened," said Edgar Janks of DeKalb, IL. "I want first crack at the shit. Nobody wants to get there after all the good shit's gone."

Said Chicago's Debra Tanner, who was at the mall Monday to buy a large amount of shit, including a cordless phone, a Charlotte Hornets NBA Starter jacket and a five-speed foot massager: "I don't have nearly enough time to get the shit I need."

Lower prices are also expected to spur purchases of shit this year. Toys 'R' Us, the nation's largest toy retailer, is aggressively promoting its seasonal slogan, "The shit you want at the best prices."

"Not only is there more shit this year than ever before," said noted economist Milton Friedenzohn, "but what there is is far shittier. The Sanyo boom boxes being sold this year, for example, are even more likely to break than those from the previous year. And those new Panasonic WebTVs are just shit."

In addition to familiar retailers, shops specializing in seasonal shit are opening temporarily in hopes of capitalizing on the December craving for shit. "Christmas Shit," "Wicks 'n' Shit," and "Bob's Shittery" are just a few of the stores offering customers nothing but shit.

Even supermarkets are altering their inventories to meet the demand for shit, filling shelves with decorative snack tins featuring depictions of Santa Claus, which cost twice as much as comparable items that come in ordinary packaging. Also available are pfefferneuse cookies, egg nog and holiday Oreo cookies with red shit inside.

Said Friedenzohn: "There's going be a whole lot of shit under America's Christmas trees this year."


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