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Area Stores Stock Up On Shit

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
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Area Stores Stock Up On Shit

CHICAGO—With the official start of the holiday season just days away, Chicago retailers—like those across the U.S.—are bracing for the coming onslaught of shoppers with an unprecedented stockup on shit.

In anticipation of the hordes of shoppers the holiday season brings, area retailers are busy filling their shelves with shit

"You wouldn't believe how much shit we are selling," said Amos Frawley, manager of a Chicago-area Wal-Mart store. "Electric razors, Toy Story videos, novelty ties, football phones, Hickory Farms cheese-and-meat gift sets—you name it, they're buying it. We're packing every inch of shelf space with shit, and we still can't keep up with the demand."

Among the shit expected to reach new sales levels this year is Christmas-themed shit, such as shiny tree decorations and ceramic, hand-painted Santa figurines. Also expected to sell well are articles of clothing which light up at night, such as glow-in-the-dark Joe Boxer-brand boxer shorts and battery-operated Dearfoam slippers with special "Nite-Lites" attached to the front.

"Novelty shit always seems to sell well," said Elaine Maier, head apparel buyer for an area Marshall Field's department store. "Then again, around this time of year, people will buy just about any shit they can get their hands on."

Woodfield Mall in Schaumburg, IL, is getting into the spirit of the holidays—and of selling loads of shit—by decorating its courtyard in a "Wonderland of Shit" motif featuring Christmas-themed shit from all 172 of its stores. Actor Jeff Goldblum is slated to appear at the mall Friday to officially kick off the festivities by reciting his famous Jurassic Park line, "That is one big pile of shit."

Though Christmas is still weeks away, the shopping has already hit a fever pitch. "I got to the mall at 6 a.m. today, two hours before it even opened," said Edgar Janks of DeKalb, IL. "I want first crack at the shit. Nobody wants to get there after all the good shit's gone."

Said Chicago's Debra Tanner, who was at the mall Monday to buy a large amount of shit, including a cordless phone, a Charlotte Hornets NBA Starter jacket and a five-speed foot massager: "I don't have nearly enough time to get the shit I need."

Lower prices are also expected to spur purchases of shit this year. Toys 'R' Us, the nation's largest toy retailer, is aggressively promoting its seasonal slogan, "The shit you want at the best prices."

"Not only is there more shit this year than ever before," said noted economist Milton Friedenzohn, "but what there is is far shittier. The Sanyo boom boxes being sold this year, for example, are even more likely to break than those from the previous year. And those new Panasonic WebTVs are just shit."

In addition to familiar retailers, shops specializing in seasonal shit are opening temporarily in hopes of capitalizing on the December craving for shit. "Christmas Shit," "Wicks 'n' Shit," and "Bob's Shittery" are just a few of the stores offering customers nothing but shit.

Even supermarkets are altering their inventories to meet the demand for shit, filling shelves with decorative snack tins featuring depictions of Santa Claus, which cost twice as much as comparable items that come in ordinary packaging. Also available are pfefferneuse cookies, egg nog and holiday Oreo cookies with red shit inside.

Said Friedenzohn: "There's going be a whole lot of shit under America's Christmas trees this year."


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